Caution: may contain condom water part II.

Thanks to sick kids and germs, I was home this afternoon. A Facebook notification came across my feed informing me that a friend had tagged me in a discussion on a post in one of my Facebook groups.

Nina: I just can't look at [condoms] without thinking of when Melece filled one up with like a gallon of water. Then I start laughing and I can't get it outta my head SO THANKS Melece for ruining my condom sex life.

Me (with deepest sympathies and great tact): Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha I regret NOTHING.

and thus began a great adventure. 

Taelor: Melece, did you take a picture of that!?

Melece: Just as I was about to it popped. BUT I AM HOME ALONE NOW. BRB.

Melece: Update: I have now burst two condoms and soaked my bathroom. YOLO.

Because I love and care for the happiness of my friends, I posted a video.  

Here are the resulting comments. (Some comments have been omitted for relevancy's sake, and one has been altered entirely to make sense without explanation/back story. Last names have been removed, but first names remain unchanged. Hopefully no one sues me.) 

Katelyn: This is the best thing I've seen all day.

Melece: Oh my gosh, this isn't even in the right group. Sorry, guys!!!
Also, I forgot to hide the condom wrappers. Peter got home a second ago, went to the bathroom to pee and goes, "WHY ARE THERE TWO USED CONDOMS IN THE TRASH? Melly, have you been playing with condom water?! AGAIN?!"
Me: "Oh, no... I forgot to hide those. I didn't think about you noticing them in the trash"
Peter: "You didn't think I would notice that there are TWO used condoms in the trash of the bathroom that I share with my wife?! I leave the house for three hours and come back to find that my wife has used not one, but both of the condoms that we had remaining in my absence. Well. Done. Melly."

Nina: IT WAS FOR SCIENCE OKAY PETER STEP OFF
geez husbands these days just don't understand hahaha

Melece: THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Lawl, sorry this video is upside down for half of it. You all need to hire me to be a videographer for your weddings. CLEARLY.

Nina: Also "condom water" hahaha EW

Melece: Peter watching this video: "I love how funny you think you are."

Taelor: hehehehe thanks for the entertainment!

Nina: Also PSA: don't ask your husband if he has any condoms because he will think you mean sex when actually you just wanna copy Melece and play with condom water.

Melece: You're welcome! These condoms were both an extra challenge because they were lubricated, whereas the first time I did this was with an unlubricated condom. It was like playing in expert mode.

Taelor: HAHAHAHA Nina. Way to ruin Ty's dream.

Nina: Geez where were condoms when we were organizing elementary school SCIENCE projects?!

"Lubed vs unlubed condoms: which holds water better?"

Melece: Peter in response to Nina, "yeah, why would anyone use condoms for sex?! he says with a look of puzzlement. A LOOK OF MOCK PUZZLEMENT. It's supposed to look like a penis, but it just looks like a giant water balloon! WAAAAATER FIIIIIGHT. This one is studded for ultimate throwing pleasure. And this one is flavoured so that when it explodes it is delicious! The boxes shouldn't say 'ribbed for her pleasure,' they should say 'can hold three extra gallons of water!"
He is pacing around the apartment ranting at me. hahahahahahahahahahah I'm laughing so hard.

Me: "my hands smell like condoms."
Peter: "REALLY?! YOU DON'T SAY."

Taelor: Bahahahaha this is the most hilarious thing I've experienced all day!
I need to go buy a condom.

Nina: Hahahahahaha I'm crying. Peter is the best I want to be friends with you guys

Melece: Buy a couple, they burst a lot.

Nina: Taelor considering your current situation that would be such a waste of money

Taelor: Heh heh heh you're right. But I WANNA FILL ONE UP WITH WATER!

Melece: bahahahahahahhahahahahha.
He's reading all these comments over my shoulder, and so he points to Taelor's and goes, "yes, just the one condom. Ask them to take it out of the box. Excuse me, sir, which condom would you recommend for inflation? and by inflation I mean filling it with water. Pretty sure your husband wants to fill one up with a penis."

Nina: "um yeah how much for just ONE condom?"

Katelyn: I need to be writing a paper but THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!

Taelor: SHUT UP I'VE NEVER BOUGHT A CONDOM OK!?!?!

Melece: bahahahahahahahha. Oh, so THAT'S how you got pregnant.

Nina: "Oh what do you mean they only sell them in multiples?? I JUST NEED ONE SIR! FOR SCIENCE!"

Laura: "Please sir, may I have some more?"

Melece: Peter, pointing to Laura's comment: "now THAT's what your husband wants to hear. *holds belly while chuckling* hah hah hah hah"

Taelor: Hi Peter.  I am smarter than I seem.

Nina: ^ there's an idea for spicing up the bedroom. "Oliver Twist" role play and position. We should write a book.

Melece: hahahahaha! It's okay, the only one he is judging here is me.
Peter: "That's not true"

Sara: Now we're all going to make Peter pace across the apartment and rant

Melece: Peter in a british accent: "I'm the artful dodger!"
now he is squirming around the bed going, "nope! you missed! try again, NOPE! MISSED! I AM SO ARTFUL AT DODGING."

Laura: I think I've found a reason why I need to come out to Utah

Sara: Why do you have to be so far away in Hawaii?!

Taelor: Yeah. Surrsly.....

Melece: Peter: "so.... she wants to come to Utah all because you inflated a condom and I made jokes about dodging a penis. Good day for us." :'D

Taelor: Party!!!!!!

Melece: Hahahahah, it's okay. We'll be there in like two months.

Melece: P: "the main activity? inflating condoms. awwwww yeahhhh."

Melece: P: you don't have to write everything I say.

Taelor: DID YOU TELL PETER THAT I SAY HI AND THAT I'M SMARTER THAN I AM ON THE INTERNET.

Melece: hahahaha. I didn't have to. He's reading with me.

Taelor: Oh. HI!

Laura: ::shaking my head::

Melece: My head hurts from laughing. Good talk, ladies. Good talk. Now everyone go do your own experiments and film the results. FOR SCIENCE.

Laura: I will die if I go to a bridal shower this summer, and the question is posed about what the bride is most looking forward to about getting married, because this will be all that I think about lol 😇

Taelor: FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.

Hilary: I'm so glad my serious post resulted to this! Best. Thing. Ever! Now I know what to really do with the 30 box of condoms lying around! :')

The end. 

Caution: May Contain Condom Water.

*WARNING* this post contains language and behaviour that may be too immature for some readers. Do not replicate at home, or, if you do, don't blame me when your kitchen is soaked in condom water.

The night before Peter and I got hitched I was temporarily homeless; I had just moved out of my shared apartment and therefore got to spend the night with my parents and sister who were visiting for the wedding. We ate dinner, toasted to the bride a mixed array of fancy-type glasses filled with fancy-type juice, and tried to finish a Ted's Bakery pie, but failed miserably.

Somewhere in that series of events my parents decided to talk to me a little about sex. I know and understand the facts of life, of course, and have for quite some time. However, in my faith we believe that sex is a precious gift of God and thus should be saved until marriage to bring the most joy and happiness to husband and wife. As such, I knew a lot more about the mechanisms of sex than the reality, and my parents wanted to prepare me for what was ahead.
Being a mature, responsible, and almost married adult I took their advice and wisdom, and then began to realize how little I knew about condoms, which is actually kind of funny, seeing as my parents didn't mention condoms at all.

When my curiosity and wondering could no longer my suppressed, I went to my luggage and opened the box of condoms Peter had purchased earlier that week. The next logical step, after poking and prodding at it, was to blow the condom up to see how large I could make it. My sister, who was wilfully helping me with this investigation of science, and I blew it up until it reached about the size of a human head - a lightbulb shaped, squishy, human head.

As we experimented, my father, who had so cheerfully been discussing such a sacred and wonderful topic as sex with his grown up and adult daughter a mere hour before, wandered past our room and asked, "are you blowing up a condom?" Never before have I heard such a strong pleading sub-context ("WHY are you blowing up a condom like you are 12 year old boys??") from such a simple question.
 It was at this point that I recalled that someone once told me that soldiers keep condoms in their packs as emergency water bottles because the latter can hold gallons of water. With this fun fact at our fingertips we went to the kitchen with our latex balloon and began filling it up with water to see how far it would fill.

I think we got to about 2 gallons before I decided that I wanted to actually play with the water condom, rather than just fill it up. Although this particular breed of condom was not lubricated, I found that it was still incredibly difficult to hold, and thus laid it on the floor to roll it back and forth and watch it jiggle. The more I explored, the more hilarity I found in the situation, and when my sister returned from a trip to the bathroom, she found me poking at my condom balloon and giggling heartily. Not wanting to hog all the fun, I hopped up and offered the toy to her (by pointing, picking it up out of the sink had proved difficult enough) and went to go retrieve my phone to take a picture. When I returned I found Sharah gingerly attempting to pick up the condom. I had just enough time to open the camera on my phone and yell "Wooooaaaahhh" (picture it in slow motion), before the condom had fallen from Sharah's arms, and exploded on the floor, smattering every inch of the kitchen in warm condom water.

My parents who were in their bedroom at the time, just adjacent to the kitchen, didn't move at all from where they sat/laid, but about 3 minutes after the initial burst and our shrieks, my father turned down the podcast they were listening to and said, "please clean up whatever mess you have made," before resuming the volume once more.

So that's how I came to send my sleeping fiancé this text at 1:30am the morning of our wedding:

"Fun fact: you can fill a condom up with about a gallon of water; when you do it's like a water snake and is super hard to hold. Also, if you drop it, it will explode and soak your kitchen. Just FYI"