I'm dyeing over here!

Wanna know how to look like a superfly rockstar? Lemme tell you.

I've been dyeing my hair purple since December of last year. Originally the plan was to dye my entire head of hair purple but then Peege was all, "I'd really prefer it if you didn't," and I said, "okay, darling, but that means don't grow a moustache" and he was like, "no problem, can't anyway." Communication, people. The best.

I have never been the greatest at dyeing my hair, (even though I enjoy doing it), and in trying to dye the ends of my hair every two months I found that I would magically turn my bathroom, chest, and hands all totally purple for a week afterwards. (TADAHHHH!) It was always totally worth it, but embarrassingly messy. Now, two dye jobs away from needing to stop forever with my purple ways, I have mastered it. Let me show you my punklovin' ways, my peeps.

Step one: Assemble your tools.
You will need the dye of your choice. I wholeheartedly recommend Punky Color brand, but whatever shade you choose is up to you. This month I have opened a new jar (seriously, just one jar lasted me forever, I bought two together in January) and it's Plum. Previously I used Violet, aaaand I think I liked it better. Both smelled lovely, but Plum seems to be pinker.
Aluminium foil.
Wax paper to hold your dyeing goods and keep your counter tops clean.
Plastic/latex gloves. 
A hair dye brush.  
A mindless TV show/movie to keep you occupied. 

Step two: Divide and conquer.

Separate your hair into small sections and begin. Using a square of aluminium foil and your brush, paint dye onto your ends. Just smother it in. Ohhh yeaahhhhh. Attempt to take a photo for your blog, but fail.

Use black gloves for added swagger.

The blurrier the picture, the more action packed the dye job. 

Step three: Foiled!

After applying your desired amount of dye to your desired section of hair, wrap that mofo up. Parcel your hair like it is a Christmas present to your future self. Take more uncomfortable pictures. 

It's hard to take modest pictures when you're secretly naked. 

Ah, yissss. Dye jobs. Foreva. 

 Step four: Treat yo'self!

Take some time to lounge around your house enjoying your guilty pleasures. Write an informative blog post on how to do something ridiculously simple. Let that dye sit and fester. Consider looking up better words than "fester" to describe things on your body.

I do recommend cleaning up your work space immediately after finishing your application process. A lot of the mess that I would previously get happened because I allowed my brush to sit in the drain, or left my gloves drip drying. Use your wax paper to wipe as much dye from your brush as possible (while still wearing your gloves) and then rinse off both gloves and brush in the shower or bathtub until the water runs clear. Allow gloves and brush to air dry on more wax paper. NO DRIP DRYING! You can do it. I believe in you.

Step five: Take a shower.

Hop in the shower and wash yo'self, removing the aluminium foil as you go. You will look sexy fine in no time. No selfie as I post this, because I am still enjoying step four as I type this. Maybe I'll post one later if you're lucky. MAYBE.

Go live your dreams, you majestic land narwhal.
  

How to lose an internet argument.

Months ago, four strong, intelligent, beautiful lady pioneers of debating and I founded an online debate club. We created a Facebook group specifically designed for young ladies such as ourselves to engage in stirring debates about whatever struck our fancy. By enouraging research, arguments, not being aggressive, or being easily offended, we were sure we would see ourselves flowering into mighty goddesses of civil arguments just in time for the 2016 political campaign.

In a lot of ways, I do see this happening. In a lot of other ways, I am witnessing how to properly lose an argument over the internet. Even when I feel members are articulating their point of view well, using founded research and even smiley faces to indicate lightheartedness, there will always be a storm out, and a lot of prime (and classic) internet fighting. 

Tonight, I witnessed first hand a storm out on a thread which I felt had been civil and well thought out. My friend Bri and I debriefed afterwards. 

Bri: I feel like I missed something. 

Me: Me too. It went from a back and forth to a I CANT EVEN TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW. But without caps.  

Bri: I'm surprised she didn't throw in a "AND YOUR MOM'S COOKING SUCKS" and kick a puppy on her way out. (I've never stormed out of anywhere before so I don't really know how it works). 

Me: No I think that's standard protocol. There's probably a handbook. At the very least a wikihow. 

But then I did my research. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN: there is no wikihow on how to properly storm out of an internet debate. I was too lazy to look further, but I assume there is also no wikihow on how to lose an internet debate, but I am pairing the two together and presenting (ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAAAAA (that is supposed to be, like, the end of the 21st Century Fox opening, not a sheep,  just to let you know)) 

                               HOW TO LOSE AN INTERNET ARGUMENT. 

1. Ensure you base your point of view entirely on a delicate balance between logical fallicies and personal anecdotes. 

Research is for noobs. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You know your argument because once upon a time it happened to your sister's mother-in law's aunt, and no one can take that away from you. You don't need references nor should you ever consider looking for them. People who use research only do so because they know they are wrong. That is why they can't just explain their argument using their own words. They are dependent on other people. Dependency equals weakness, and the weak shall fall.  

2. Abandon grammar. 

Think of every writing rule and tool you have learned in your lifetime and punch them in the face. Capitalization Doesn't Have To Be Just For Proper Nouns Or Sentence Beginnings. lower case should also be embraced, especially for proper nouns. Use ellipses... When it doesn't necessarily... Make sense to have...them. Exclamation points too!!!!!!!!!!! Abandun speling. ur in a debate. their is no tim four spell chek.  

3. Do not recognize other points being made. 

People are going to come back at you with counter points. Ignore them. Acknowledging the thoughts of others is a symptom of a seasoned debater, and we're here to lose spectacularly. Don't ever change your point of view, or your purpose. If someone asks you to consider something that wasn't in your initial point, rebuke it with a non-sequitor that was. 

4. Keep it simple OR overwhelm yourself. 

Hand in hand with failing to recognize other points, is keeping your argument as simplistic as possible (i.e. Only offering "yes" "no" and "because it is that way" as an explanation). Who can argue with a one word answer? 

Alternatively, consider including every thing you can possibly think of in one argument. Is the topic the death penalty? Perfect, people who are murderers drink water, and water is a liquid, and liquid that is solid can be used as a weapon, and TVs could also be used as a weapon, so protect the children and ban homework for heavens sake! Confusing your opponent, and yourself, is key. 

5. Make it personal. 

Don't ever allow a debate to be emotionless. Fling insults and wield name calling at any opportunity. It's common knowledge that every argument is lost as soon as someone name calls. Don't be afraid to be that person. Conversely, make sure that everything that is being said is being perceived as a personal insult to you. I don't care if the statement is "your mother is a kind woman," you can easily retort with, "oh, is that to suggest that my grandmother isn't?!" Boom. Crushed it. 

6. Have a dramatic exit. 

The exit is a key component to every internet debate storm out. Tell everyone you are speechless. That you cannot even fathom who raised them, or how on earth they sleep at night. This may just sound like more insults, but it is so much more intricate than that. Here is your time to show that it is by your own choosing that you are leaving this debate. You are disgusted by the behaviour and ethics of those around you, and that is what is motivating your departure. It is not that you have lost or been proven wrong, but rather that they are not even worth engaging anymore. Make this clear. 

There you have it, folks. Good luck out there! I believe in you all. 

8 (lazy) ways that you can be a fitness pro.

I'm behind on the New Years posts, but better late than never! Because I am hip and up to date on the blogger-sphere, I figured I would write a fitness posts with tips on how to get active and healthy with this brand new year. Of course, these aren't any sort of fitness tips, but rather tips for those who don't actually want to be healthy but need ways to tell people that you are.

1. Install a motion detector light in your home.
This investment encourages you to move from your cocoon of safety and junk food every 30-50 seconds to jump around wildly in order to have any light to see by. Depending on how frequently you need light, this could be a serious calorie burner.

2. Remove all toilet paper from your bathroom.
Do you know how effective squats are at toning your legs? Incredibly effective, from what I've heard. By decreasing your proximity from toilet paper, you are encouraged to squat walk from the bathroom with your pants at your ankles to retrieve your favourite wiping tool. Works best if you live alone.

3. Decrease the size of the blankets on your bed, or, if you have a spouse, provide only enough bedding for one of you.
This technique encourages wrestling and crunching. In the case of smaller blankets, you are forced to minimize your size on the mattress, engaging important core muscles. When you have a spouse with whom you're forced to ration coverage, this can be a perfect opportunity to strengthen arm muscles as you pull blankets and punch out your spouse.

4. Wear only skinny jeans and other tight clothing.
The skinny jean hop is one way I stay in tip-top shape. By only selecting clothes that are tight, you are forced to wriggle, jump, and squeeze into and out of everything you wear. This one is better if you have a roommate of some sort, as the dance moves you produce are both priceless and hilarious.

5. Move to an area with wild chickens, (or anger a local rooster.)
There is a wide spread fallacy that suggests that roosters cry at dawn. Roosters in fact cry whenever and wherever the mood strikes them, no matter what the time of day or what you are doing. Ensuring you have a loud dominant rooster in your yard provides you with an opportunity to take up sprinting when your patience and eardrums can take no more. Having lived in a home where I suggested to the local roosters that I was the alpha, I have experienced what it is like to rage a personal war with multiple chickens at once. They are like miniature personal trainers! You will be sprinting (and cussing, and possibly throwing rocks) in no time.

6. Hold your pee for as long as you can.
This is a practice that may lead to urinary impotence in the future, but will strengthen your leg and stomach muscles in the now. Crossing your legs tightly, tiptoeing rapidly, and hopping in place are all side effects of a full bladder, and are all fantastic for increasing muscles in your calves and thighs. Added bonus for if you also choose to only use bathrooms that are far away from you once you decide it is time to go; sprinting while clenching all of your abdominal muscles is a sure way to quick 6-pack abs.

7. Throw away any remotes that you have.
By removing your access to your TV remote one of two things can happen. You can increase your movement by forcing yourself to get up and walk to the TV when you need something to watch, or you can perfect your throwing arm. By finding small objects around the house that you can throw at the TV buttons, you can improve your pitching and strengthen your arm muscles. Either way, it is a physical win.

8. Put your arm in a sling.
Make a sling for your arm to immobilize it. By forcing yourself to use only one arm a day you are guaranteed to give the one free arm twice as much work as it usually gets and thus twice the opportunity for buff-ness. Switch out which arm is held by the sling every couple days to ensure both are being worked.
(This one is a little tricky, because cripples often get help from those around them, so you have to promise not to cheat yourself. I believe in you, though. You can do it.)

There you have it, folks. 8 foolproof ways to ensure you are fitter than ever before!
Update me on your progress, and let me know if you have any other hot tips on getting into shape.

Burning bras are a safety hazard.

Before you begin this entry, please take this short quiz!

1) Do you think that all human beings are equal? 

2) Do you think all human beings, being equal, deserve human rights? 

3) Do you think women are human beings? 

4) Do you think men are human beings? 

5) Do you think both men and women, being humans, deserve equal human rights? 

If you answered yes to all of these questions, congratulations, you are a feminist!

So why is this identity upsetting to you? I really hope it isn't. Unfortunately, there is a recent trend of people turning their backs on "feminism," or at least claiming to. To me, it is astounding and is an act full of very scary logical fallacies. 

Let me explain. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a church often known as the Mormon church. If I were in a conversation with someone who told me, 

"I hate Mormons! They are evil! That Warren Jeffs guy molested all sorts of children, and forced young girls into arranged marriages! That's awful, and I will not stand for it. I am anti-Mormon," my response would probably be, 

"Okay, so I hear you; Warren Jeffs is pretty dastardly, and I wholeheartedly agree that he deserves the multiple life sentences he is currently serving in prison, buuuut, he's not Mormon. So, you hating him, doesn't make you anti-Mormon... Amirite?" 

Similar to the misidentification of FLDS church as being the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, everyday people falsely attribute the acts of misandrists to being representative beliefs of feminism. To help us all assure we are on the same page, let us define both terms. 

mis·an·dry

miˈsandrē/

noun

1. dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e., the male sex).

   "her brand of feminism is just poorly disguised misandry"

fem·i·nism

ˈfeməˌnizəm/

noun

1. the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Just to reiterate: 

Feminism is a movement for gender equality.

I see people claiming to abandon feminism over and over through passionate blog pieces and celebrity endorsements. Please, do not stand up and say that you do not believe that women deserve to be treated equally to men because feminists are evil, when in reality, you feel that the acts and behaviours of misandrists are immoral and wrong. If anything, to me, that means that you ARE a feminist! You are openly against the mistreatment and blanket-statement hating of men. You believe that they too are humans who deserve to be given equal opportunities and rights. If you believe this, you are a feminist. 

Abandoning the feminist movement because of the acts, beliefs, and behaviours of misandrists would be similar to me leaving my faith - something I believe to be true and right - due to the misconceptions of others that I may be a polygamist in favour of child molestation. Others incorrectly identifying themselves as LDS while they do terrible things that are not representative of my church or my standards, will not make me walk away from my religion, and neither will misandrists claiming to be feminists make me walk away from my beliefs in feminism. On the contrary, their mislabeling of their own biases makes me feel more passionate as everyday goes by to educate people on what feminism is and what it fights for. I feel inclined to shout, "do not tell me you are a feminist when you are openly bigoted against an entire gender. Do not suggest that feminism represents that. You are wrong." 

In other instances, it doesn't seem to be what feminism stands for to make individuals turn their back, but some strange desire to exempt themselves from a worldwide movement simply because they feel they are not involved. For those who claim that they are not a feminist because they have never experienced inequality, my heart feels so heavy. Should I likewise stand up and say, 

"I am not anti-rape, because I have never been a victim of assault." 

"I am not anti-racism, because I have never been a victim of a hate crime." 

"I am not anti-murder; no one has ever tried to murder me." 

"I am not anti-poverty. I have always had a roof over my head."

?

The fact that I do not face horrible things on a daily basis does not mean that I do not recognize the ways in which those things exist in the lives of others. Maybe I have never been denied something because of my gender, but everyday, worldwide, thousands of people are. 

So please. Educate yourself on the things which you are claiming to know enough about to publicly denounce. And if you still feel that you are not a feminist, well, like Louise Brealey, I hope you'll reconsider. As she said, "I'd like every man who doesn't call himself a feminist to explain to the women in his life why he doesn't believe in equality for women."

Thank you for reading my rant. I hope you feel enlightened. 

Batman wants you for a feminist. 

Truth or Dare

One of my absolute favourite party games to play is Truth or Dare.

The funny thing is, when I offer this as a suggestion at festive gatherings, I frequently get eyebrow raises or eyeball rolls in return. Regardless, I can be very persuasive, even if faced with a room of nay-sayers, thus the game often commences and everybody has a fantastic time.

Maybe you too are sitting here trying to read this post but struggling because your eyes are straining over the effort of not rolling in a deep sarcasm spasm. If this is the case, then this entry, my friend, is dedicated to you, and The Problem of Truth or Dare. The Problem is, most people seem to have limited this beautiful masterpiece of a game into one truth and one dare, both in the halted mindset of pre-pubescent youths trying the "adult" (and sketchy) party life for the first time in their basements. The truth: "Who do you like??" and the dare: "kiss so-and-so on the MOUTH!"

As a seasoned Truth or Darer myself, I have not played a game which included either of these since I retired my first training bra. It is time for you to do the same, and embrace whole heartedly the beauty which is T&D.

The Truths 

First things first, Truths should avoid delving into love lives at all cost. Ultimately, no one really CARES who likes who, and if they do, that usually means your players don't want this truth to be revealed publicly yet. The art of T&D is being able to embarrass everyone a little bit, but by embarrassing yourself along with them. Therefore, don't ever force someone to answer a truth that you yourself would cringe if it was asked you (same rule applies to dares).
Think about embarrassing things, but do not ask "what's something embarrassing that has happened to you?" People usually repress embarrassing events so that they can function throughout an average day, without needing to go home and cry in their bed. That being said, embarrassing memories are the type which get burned into everyones' brains, so your function in creating a Truth is finding ways to discover these traumas, so that you can enjoy their stories.
Thus, what is something which has happened to you which was traumatising?
Good truths can be things such as:

• Have you ever, in your teenage or adult life, messed your pants in public? Tell us the story.
• What has been your most terrifying moment in someone else's bathroom? 
• Have you ever been under anaesthesia? What did you do/say as the drugs were wearing off?
• Have you ever used a word incorrectly to an embarrassing degree? In your first language or another? 
• When did you first learn about sex? What was your reaction? (People usually have hilarious anecdotes about their 7 year old self first being told about the Birds and the Bees. I do (okay, I was 9).) 
• What was the most embarrassing/painful/uncomfortable date you ever went on?

Another category of Truths goes into the hypothetical. These can be in "If" forms or "Would you rather" forms. Again, think outside of the usual. You want questions that will make people debate and think, and definitely questions that will make them cringe and laugh.

• Would you rather streak naked through a crowded place filled with your friends and people you admire and have EVERYONE see, or, have your parents streak naked through a crowded place where you see, and you cannot close your eyes or look away?
• If you had to add an extra limb to somewhere on your body, what would it be and where would you put it? 
• Would you rather receive $1 million dollars once, or receive $50,000 every time you sneezed, but you also change genders automatically with every sneeze? 
• If you could be in any movie what movie would it be, and what MINOR or supporting character would you play? 
• Would you rather eat ice-cream flavoured poop, or poop flavoured ice-cream? 
• If you were one of the Muppets who would you be? 

The Dares 

Dares are usually the more tricky ones for people to think up, which is a shame, because they also have the potential to be the best and most hilarious part of every game. Again, you want to focus on finding tasks for people to do which will be embarrassing and fun, but not humiliating or degrading. Think of things that people have to put effort into doing, because often their effort alone will be laughter ensuing for everyone involved. Adding time limits to tasks which need a completion can also be helpful because everything is a tad more entertaining when done in panic and desperation. Maybe that's why dating is so side-splitting... 

Favourite dares: 

• Put something in your back pocket and twerk or dance until it falls out. 
• Find lipstick and apply it to another player without using your hands. 
• Attempt to lick your own armpit. 
• Eat a food of another player's choosing without using your hands. 
• In your best Gollum/Smeagol impersonation, attempt to seduce another player of your choice. 
• Blindfolded, apply makeup or nail polish on another player. 
• Perform a sock-puppet show of Lés Miserables or another lengthy and well known story. 
• Pick the nose of another player. If no other player is willing, pick your own nose, and show the results like it is a piece of art and you are an art expert/tour guide.  
• Trade outfits with another player and remain like that for the rest of the game. 
• Lick the belly button of another player. 
• Allow someone to post a status on your Facebook, or poke someone of their choice, your friend or not.

Tonight I spent time at a friends house with a group of fantastically creative people. They were not at all hesitant to play T&D and I am glad, because it was legendary. Hopefully this post will have inspired you to get out there and play yourself. 

I believe in you and your creativity. 

Let me teach you, young grasshopper

Because I love my husband and I respect his opinion of what I should be doing with this blog, I thought I would take another stab at doing a How-To post.

This is something that I am really good at and, lucky for all of you, it's something that can be done in a plethora of ways. I have tried to pinpoint my most successful techniques here in this post, but take heart in knowing that not all styles will work for everyone, and that if you are dedicated to practising and developing your own path, you can do anything.

That being said, here is my guide to How To Make People Uncomfortable.

Step one: Identify Accepted Social Norms.

This first step is crucial because it will change depending on what circumstance you find yourself in and who you are surrounded by.

Step two: Ignore Accepted Social Norms.

This is pretty much the entire process. However, don't let the shortness of this list of steps fool you. There is an endless number of things for you to consider.

Let's discuss the example of the "Personal Bubble." This is a social norm which is accepted widely by most Americans as well as a variety of other cultures. The social norm states simply that each person has a bubble, and that no one should invade it unless invited to. Now that we have identified the social norm, let's go about ignoring it.

The personal bubble can be breeched in an amazing amount of ways. First, you have the physical breaking of the bubble. Choosing what and where you invade the bubble should be carefully planned out. Do not limit yourself to lingering handshakes that really should have ended 30 seconds before they do, or even just hands on various areas of the body. You can also breech the bubble with feet, head, elbows, butt, breath, or tongue. Destruction of the personal bubble can be as simple as placing your hands on the shoulders of someone you have just met and breathing deeply through your nose while you stare into their soul by holding eye contact for the rest of the introduction period.
You also have the intensity of the breeching to consider. How hard or gentle do you cross this invisible boundary? Do not make the rookie mistake of assuming that the harder the touch the more uncomfortable. In fact, often just the opposite is found to be true. If someone greets you by vigorously rubbing your shoulders and talking loudly into your neck, you may suppose that they are a trained masseuse offering you their talents graciously for your benefit. Someone approaching you and touching you lightly with their fingertips in a stroking fashion doesn't offer up a logical explanation, especially not when coupled with breathy whispers about how soft your skin is and how good it would feel as a blanket.

Because this How-To is so simple, I have provided below a list of party tricks to next try when you're at a large gathering, preferably with complete strangers.

• Engage someone in a lengthy conversation about your medical history. Include as many details as you can about everything on your body which has ever hurt, your latest bowel movement, and any surgery stories you may have. Bonus: ask them to investigate a suspicious looking mark/rash/mole/wart somewhere on your body. 

• Sing loudly in an area where people are conversating. Do not allow any dirty looks or loudening of conversation to stop you, it's actually best if you pretend that you don't notice anyone at all. Let your inner star out, and dominate the room so that everyone must listen to and adore you. 

• Laugh loudly to yourself while standing alone in an area.  

• Ignore any sort of hints that it's time for you to leave. Strive to stay in people's company for as long as humanly possible.  

• Make eye contact with as many people as you can while they are far away from you. Once in close proximity and conversation only stare at spots directly above or to the side of their head.

• Attempt to go the entire evening only speaking in movie quotes. It is better if the movie is a really obscure one, and the quotes not particularly funny. Try looking at B-movie lists for a good reference.  

• Ask very personal questions, but don't allow sufficient time for individuals to respond. 

• Make as many potty humour references as you possibly can.

• Take a moment to behave like an animal of your choice. 

• Choose one catch-phrase of a slightly outdated pop-culture figure and stick to it as your go-to line for the rest of the party. Try things like, "I'm really happy for you, and Imma let you finish, but..." and other such douchery. 

• Give everyone a nickname based on some element of their physical appearance. 

• Declare frequently and passionately how lonely you are and how no one seems to want to talk to you. Deny anyone who attempts to tell you otherwise. 

I hope that I have inspired some of you on pursuits of social-outcast-ness. 

And now, a classic cartoon from fantabulous blogger Allie Brosh, author of Hyperbole and a Half. She titles it: How To Deal With Close Talkers. 

Note, not my work at all. Allie Brosh, folks, Allie Brosh. 

How-To's n' Stuff.

Last night Peter was criticizing me trying to hurt my feelings help me be a better blogger.

"Yeah, our conversations are hilarious, but in order to broaden your reading pool you need to do something to appeal to more people. How-to's are big in the blogging world. Start there."

This morning I was considering what How-To things there are right now in the blogging loop. One thing I have been seeing a lot recently is "My Beauty Regime"

"That would be easy!" I thought for a moment, "I could totally do that!" But then I remembered,
"Wait. I can do that because I don't HAVE a beauty regime. If I made a How-to-Replicate-My-Beauty-Regime post, everyone would read to know what NEVER to do."

Then these pictures happened.

You're welcome.

The end.