Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts

Friday, August 15, 2014

Hitchhikers and my deep deep driver's guilt

The first time I hitchhiked I was 17 years old. I was living in Russia and taking part of the social function of Gypsy Cabbing, which is a unofficial system that effectively allows any driver who picks up a hitchhiker to charge them fare for their ride. As I am terribly unskilled in the language of Russian, the only times I gypsy cabbed was with friends, but it was never something that seemed scary or unsafe to me.

After moving to Hawaii I continued to hitchhike when the need arose. I find it a useful mode of transportation, albeit a difficult one at times. I've never felt as though I was at danger, and I am grateful to the people who are willing to stop and pick hikers up; many have helped me get out of transportation tight-spots.

Once you have stood and sweated while you hitchhike on the side of the road, you start to notice hikers when you are in the comfort of your car. As I drive roughly 80 miles a day M/W/Th/F, I find myself passing those with their thumbs out regularly. If I am on my way home from a job and it is day time, I will pick up hikers that I pass, but out of respect for my husband, my parents, and employers, all of whom would lecture me angrily for hours if I did so, I do not pick up men while alone in my car, and I do not pick up anyone at night. These rules cause painful inner monologues of guilt on almost a daily basis while I pass by, and usually I have to actively fight the decision to do a U turn to go back and get the person in need.

One day of recent past while I drove to school, I saw a lone figure standing on the side of the highway, arm outstretched. I had, just weeks before, hiked from that same spot when my car failed me one weekday morning, so I felt instant empathy and compassion for this stranger. As I came closer it began to rain, and my need to pull over and offer a ride became almost impossible to fight, however, I could see clearly this was a male hiker, and thus I knew I could not stop. He had a bundle at his feet, I assumed a backpack, and soon I was passing him, feeling such sadness for this stranger in the rain on the highway. Then I saw his backpack was actually A PUPPY and it was the saddest thing ever

No one who has a puppy could be an evil man! I thought to myself. He's in trouble and needs a lift! I should go back and get him. 
No. I can't. I don't pick up men. 
Now, Melece, the feminist part of my brain spoke up, that doesn't seem fair. That man cannot help that he has both X AND Y chromosomes. Are you going to deny him a simple neighbourly service simply because he was born with more testosterone than you? 
But he could attack me. People would definitely blame me for my own death. The headline would read, "GIRL WITH SEEMINGLY LOW IQ IS MURDERED BY KNOWN AX-MURDERER HITCHHIKER. DEFINITELY HER BAD." Plus, they'd have an awkward picture of me all over the news, and everything good I ever achieved in life would be forgotten and I would be forever the awkward looking girl who invited her murderer into her car.  
Women are murderers too, you know. 
Melece, I KNOW women are murderers too. I'm not stoopid. 
So maybe you should just stop picking up hitchhikers, then, you big fat sexist. 
I don't even pick up hitchhikers that often! I'm not stopping. When I do pick someone up I am helping them. I am SUCH a good person. 
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, you dummy misandrist. 
You know what? Fine. I'm going to pick up that man and his puppy! 

But then, of course, I had pulled into work by the time this discussion was finished and the man was probably picked up by someone who isn't afraid of men and who loves puppy cuddles.

Peter does confirm that he would scold me if I were to pick up a man, so really what I am being is a good wife and my husband is the one who is sexist and anti-man. Thanks for helping my cognitive dissonance, Peege. You're the best.


Saturday, May 10, 2014

Driving Monologues

My daily commute time to work is an hour each way. The drive is long, but it is also incredibly uneventful. I realized the other day, that, although Wahiawa Elementary is 31 miles away from our home here in Laie, I could accurately give directions to my school by saying, "get onto Kam Highway, and drive straight. Turn left at the 7 Eleven, and the school will be on your left." Obviously, a lot has passed between our apartment and that 7 Eleven, but as long as you stay on Kam, you'll never get lost.

This incredibly boring and long commute has meant that I have spent hours and hours pondering over and analysing every relationship I have ever had with any friend, relative, or acquaintance I have ever known. With all honesty, if I have you in my friends list on Facebook, I can guarantee I have spent a good amount of travel time thinking about you.

This may sound like a truly heartfelt, sentimental, and romantic daily ritual, but I assure you it is not. I instead have rapid succession of numerous panic attacks while I consider every offensive and awkward part of our interaction.

At first I attempted to use music to distract myself from such awkward mental interactions, but that seemed to only heighten the experience, as music has such a strong connection with memory recall and storage.

Thus, I find myself rapidly shuffling through my iPod in an attempt to find anything that doesn't have a memory attached to it. Funny thing is, these memories don't have to be BAD to be an unpleasant trigger. Take my most recent example.

The song: Brighter Than the Sun by Colbie Caillat.

Inner monologue: man, I love this song. I used to run to it all the time. I was such a good runner. Hey, remember that one time that I ran with my friend and it was great, and she told me that she had seen Mr. Sexy-pants on campus recently? Remember how Mr. Sexy-pants was totally not into you, but you stalked him incessantly and tried to guilt you into interacting with him? OH MY GOSH, MELECE YOU'RE THE BIGGEST LOSER IN EXISTENCE! I bet Mr. Sexy-pants still thinks about how creepy you are. He probably has to go to therapy over you, his scary stalker who tried to get him to be interested in her. You are the reason someone is in therapy right now. You should probably contact him and apologize for putting him in therapy. I bet if you called him, though, he'd know you're still obsessed with him! How are you still obsessed with him, Melece? Woah now, I am NOT obsessed with anyone, especially not Mr. Sexy-pants! Really? Then why are you thinking about him. Right. Now?!

Oh how I hate driving, and that stupid little voice in my head.