I want to begin today's blog post with a hypothetical situation:
Imagine you're my friend on Facebook. You sign in to check your newsfeed and you see I have posted a new photo album. This is so exciting! What could that silly Melece be up to? You click on a photo to see me dressed in what seems to be an ordinary outfit, but I am entranced with my stomach. This is somewhat off putting, but perhaps that was a candid! You continue through the album and find that in no picture am I looking at the camera, but instead I continue to caress my midriff. You click through the album more rapidly now. Suddenly, my shirt is gone only to be replaced with a black sports bra, but still I hold my stomach. In another picture Peter appears. He also doesn't look at the camera, but instead kisses my stomach by awkwardly kneeling in front of me while I stand and smile down at his head.
What is your reaction to these pictures? I guarantee for the majority of you the reaction would be, "My eyes feel violated! I need an adult! I need therapy! This is overwhelmingly inappropriate!" Of course it is! I'm showing a lot of skin, I'm being moody and pretentious, I'm holding my body for no obvious reason, and I'm forcing you to view a very unusual and uncomfortable form of PDA.
Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:
As I come of child-bearing age, and find the majority of my friends at a similar age, I learn more about the weird customs of first world mommies. Maternity photo shoots just seem to be one more step in the road to modern-day motherhood, and I wish it wasn't so. I do understand the desire to photograph a progression of your body and child's growth, but there's a truth I wish more people would be aware of: a picture with a wholly formed human is astonishingly more pleasing to look at than a picture with an enlarged belly.
Each time I am faced with offensive maternity photos I ache to retaliate by replicating the photos with my own seedless womb to make everyone feel like they need to repent just for seeing such things.
Here I have examples of comfortable and uncomfortable maternity pictures:
Comfortable:
Uncomfortable:
Comfortable:
Uncomfortable:
Cardinal rules for maternity photos: no stomach kissing, no moody staring, no naked bodies, no naked caressing. Just remember, if the child inside you will be scarred as a teenager when they see this picture, you should probably reevaluate your photoshoot.
Imagine you're my friend on Facebook. You sign in to check your newsfeed and you see I have posted a new photo album. This is so exciting! What could that silly Melece be up to? You click on a photo to see me dressed in what seems to be an ordinary outfit, but I am entranced with my stomach. This is somewhat off putting, but perhaps that was a candid! You continue through the album and find that in no picture am I looking at the camera, but instead I continue to caress my midriff. You click through the album more rapidly now. Suddenly, my shirt is gone only to be replaced with a black sports bra, but still I hold my stomach. In another picture Peter appears. He also doesn't look at the camera, but instead kisses my stomach by awkwardly kneeling in front of me while I stand and smile down at his head.
What is your reaction to these pictures? I guarantee for the majority of you the reaction would be, "My eyes feel violated! I need an adult! I need therapy! This is overwhelmingly inappropriate!" Of course it is! I'm showing a lot of skin, I'm being moody and pretentious, I'm holding my body for no obvious reason, and I'm forcing you to view a very unusual and uncomfortable form of PDA.
Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:
As I come of child-bearing age, and find the majority of my friends at a similar age, I learn more about the weird customs of first world mommies. Maternity photo shoots just seem to be one more step in the road to modern-day motherhood, and I wish it wasn't so. I do understand the desire to photograph a progression of your body and child's growth, but there's a truth I wish more people would be aware of: a picture with a wholly formed human is astonishingly more pleasing to look at than a picture with an enlarged belly.
Each time I am faced with offensive maternity photos I ache to retaliate by replicating the photos with my own seedless womb to make everyone feel like they need to repent just for seeing such things.
Here I have examples of comfortable and uncomfortable maternity pictures:
Comfortable:
 |
| Oh, you're pregnant? How very exciting for you! You look happy, and that field is just lovely. |
Uncomfortable:
 |
| What is the belly telling you? To put on clothes and stop trying to listen to it? What a wise belly. Stop. Please stop. |
Comfortable:
 |
| You're right. You ARE happy, expecting parents. I feel happy for you. |
Uncomfortable:
 |
| Hi, I don't need to see you naked. I don't think your future child does either. |
Cardinal rules for maternity photos: no stomach kissing, no moody staring, no naked bodies, no naked caressing. Just remember, if the child inside you will be scarred as a teenager when they see this picture, you should probably reevaluate your photoshoot.
Granted, I may just be a grumpy blogger who hates happiness, so ultimately do whatever floats your boat. Just don't be surprised when I message you an exact replica of whatever terrible belly shoot you've decided to publish. I'm naked and ready to caress myself!
wait... Maybe not.
