That time I found out everyone I trust is a liar.

I have more online friends than "real life" friends. This is just a fact. When Peter left for his mission I was added into the "missionary girlfriend" community. I made close friends with girls in similar situations with me, and now about 98% of the people I'm close to are fellow former MGs. They helped me through the last time Peter and I were apart, and then this summer they helped me through our second big separation.

One of those friends contacted me in late June with a plan. She asked me if I could take off four days in August for a girls trip with her and two of my other close friends. I was THRILLED. I immediately texted my husband to tell him this was happening. He responded, so kindly, with a "I don't think we can afford that."

I was furious, and openly so. I told him I had been alone all summer, and if my friends wanted to get together with me, then I should be able to go. Forget money, even if I have to eat nothing the entire trip, I was going. He begrudgingly agreed and the conversation was dropped.

As the trip got closer, I became more defiant about it. I was almost certain that these three friends had taken pity on my husband-less self and planned this trip to give me company. I wasn't going to skip it. I was telling everyone about it, I was texting the three girls coming on the trip planning exactly how many times we would be going to McDonalds, and I had finally done my laundry so that I could actually wear underwear again.

I was leaving for my trip on Sunday August 14th. That Saturday night I picked up my friend Alaire from the airport, and she had spent the night. We went to church together, but left before 3rd hour as she was feeling unwell. When I get to my apartment door anytime I have been gone, I open it before removing my shoes so that my sweet Baymax can come running through the door and I can see his precious face. On this day, I did just that, but was surprised when there was a delay in the puppy's arrival. I called out to him and he appeared, but running from the left, not from the right where the living room is. This worried me greatly. What had he done in the bedroom?

As I looked to my left to investigate, my husband appeared from the bedroom. My first emotion was shock and fear. Why was there a man in my apartment, and why was he walking towards me? Second, I felt confusion. HOW was Peter there? Was he going back to DC to finish his internship? Realistically, the confusion stayed with me for probably the next two hours, and it began with some serious questions.

"I'M LITERALLY LEAVING TOWN TODAY," I told him, "Katie is coming in 3 HOURS and we're leaving!!"

"No, you're not," Peter laughed.

"No, I really am," I said, pointing to my wall calendar which I live and die by.

P: "Well, you're going, but you're going with me."

M: "I'm not doing anything with them?"

P: "No. Well, maybe later. But not now."

M: "Do they know this??"

and the whole rotten story came out. I was never going on a girls trip, it was Peter all along. Apparently Katie was a cover story for an early returning Peter, and he had booked us 4 days of hotel and activity in Salt Lake City. The flight information I had for two weeks away was a lie, and everyone I regularly interact with knew about it. More than that, everyone I regularly interact with had funded it. Katie had formed an online group of generous MG angels (and Peter) and had raised some money for us to go have wild raucous sex a delayed anniversary celebration together.

After this plan had been revealed to me, I came to realise that everyone knew about the lie that was my life. They listened to my countdowns knowing that I was wrong, they planned a girls trip with me knowing we wouldn't be going. If it wasn't for such a sweet cause, I'm sure I'd be furious.

So there's the tale for any one still wondering.

Caution: may contain condom water part II.

Thanks to sick kids and germs, I was home this afternoon. A Facebook notification came across my feed informing me that a friend had tagged me in a discussion on a post in one of my Facebook groups.

Nina: I just can't look at [condoms] without thinking of when Melece filled one up with like a gallon of water. Then I start laughing and I can't get it outta my head SO THANKS Melece for ruining my condom sex life.

Me (with deepest sympathies and great tact): Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha I regret NOTHING.

and thus began a great adventure. 

Taelor: Melece, did you take a picture of that!?

Melece: Just as I was about to it popped. BUT I AM HOME ALONE NOW. BRB.

Melece: Update: I have now burst two condoms and soaked my bathroom. YOLO.

Because I love and care for the happiness of my friends, I posted a video.  

Here are the resulting comments. (Some comments have been omitted for relevancy's sake, and one has been altered entirely to make sense without explanation/back story. Last names have been removed, but first names remain unchanged. Hopefully no one sues me.) 

Katelyn: This is the best thing I've seen all day.

Melece: Oh my gosh, this isn't even in the right group. Sorry, guys!!!
Also, I forgot to hide the condom wrappers. Peter got home a second ago, went to the bathroom to pee and goes, "WHY ARE THERE TWO USED CONDOMS IN THE TRASH? Melly, have you been playing with condom water?! AGAIN?!"
Me: "Oh, no... I forgot to hide those. I didn't think about you noticing them in the trash"
Peter: "You didn't think I would notice that there are TWO used condoms in the trash of the bathroom that I share with my wife?! I leave the house for three hours and come back to find that my wife has used not one, but both of the condoms that we had remaining in my absence. Well. Done. Melly."

Nina: IT WAS FOR SCIENCE OKAY PETER STEP OFF
geez husbands these days just don't understand hahaha

Melece: THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Lawl, sorry this video is upside down for half of it. You all need to hire me to be a videographer for your weddings. CLEARLY.

Nina: Also "condom water" hahaha EW

Melece: Peter watching this video: "I love how funny you think you are."

Taelor: hehehehe thanks for the entertainment!

Nina: Also PSA: don't ask your husband if he has any condoms because he will think you mean sex when actually you just wanna copy Melece and play with condom water.

Melece: You're welcome! These condoms were both an extra challenge because they were lubricated, whereas the first time I did this was with an unlubricated condom. It was like playing in expert mode.

Taelor: HAHAHAHA Nina. Way to ruin Ty's dream.

Nina: Geez where were condoms when we were organizing elementary school SCIENCE projects?!

"Lubed vs unlubed condoms: which holds water better?"

Melece: Peter in response to Nina, "yeah, why would anyone use condoms for sex?! he says with a look of puzzlement. A LOOK OF MOCK PUZZLEMENT. It's supposed to look like a penis, but it just looks like a giant water balloon! WAAAAATER FIIIIIGHT. This one is studded for ultimate throwing pleasure. And this one is flavoured so that when it explodes it is delicious! The boxes shouldn't say 'ribbed for her pleasure,' they should say 'can hold three extra gallons of water!"
He is pacing around the apartment ranting at me. hahahahahahahahahahah I'm laughing so hard.

Me: "my hands smell like condoms."
Peter: "REALLY?! YOU DON'T SAY."

Taelor: Bahahahaha this is the most hilarious thing I've experienced all day!
I need to go buy a condom.

Nina: Hahahahahaha I'm crying. Peter is the best I want to be friends with you guys

Melece: Buy a couple, they burst a lot.

Nina: Taelor considering your current situation that would be such a waste of money

Taelor: Heh heh heh you're right. But I WANNA FILL ONE UP WITH WATER!

Melece: bahahahahahahhahahahahha.
He's reading all these comments over my shoulder, and so he points to Taelor's and goes, "yes, just the one condom. Ask them to take it out of the box. Excuse me, sir, which condom would you recommend for inflation? and by inflation I mean filling it with water. Pretty sure your husband wants to fill one up with a penis."

Nina: "um yeah how much for just ONE condom?"

Katelyn: I need to be writing a paper but THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!

Taelor: SHUT UP I'VE NEVER BOUGHT A CONDOM OK!?!?!

Melece: bahahahahahahahha. Oh, so THAT'S how you got pregnant.

Nina: "Oh what do you mean they only sell them in multiples?? I JUST NEED ONE SIR! FOR SCIENCE!"

Laura: "Please sir, may I have some more?"

Melece: Peter, pointing to Laura's comment: "now THAT's what your husband wants to hear. *holds belly while chuckling* hah hah hah hah"

Taelor: Hi Peter.  I am smarter than I seem.

Nina: ^ there's an idea for spicing up the bedroom. "Oliver Twist" role play and position. We should write a book.

Melece: hahahahaha! It's okay, the only one he is judging here is me.
Peter: "That's not true"

Sara: Now we're all going to make Peter pace across the apartment and rant

Melece: Peter in a british accent: "I'm the artful dodger!"
now he is squirming around the bed going, "nope! you missed! try again, NOPE! MISSED! I AM SO ARTFUL AT DODGING."

Laura: I think I've found a reason why I need to come out to Utah

Sara: Why do you have to be so far away in Hawaii?!

Taelor: Yeah. Surrsly.....

Melece: Peter: "so.... she wants to come to Utah all because you inflated a condom and I made jokes about dodging a penis. Good day for us." :'D

Taelor: Party!!!!!!

Melece: Hahahahah, it's okay. We'll be there in like two months.

Melece: P: "the main activity? inflating condoms. awwwww yeahhhh."

Melece: P: you don't have to write everything I say.

Taelor: DID YOU TELL PETER THAT I SAY HI AND THAT I'M SMARTER THAN I AM ON THE INTERNET.

Melece: hahahaha. I didn't have to. He's reading with me.

Taelor: Oh. HI!

Laura: ::shaking my head::

Melece: My head hurts from laughing. Good talk, ladies. Good talk. Now everyone go do your own experiments and film the results. FOR SCIENCE.

Laura: I will die if I go to a bridal shower this summer, and the question is posed about what the bride is most looking forward to about getting married, because this will be all that I think about lol 😇

Taelor: FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.

Hilary: I'm so glad my serious post resulted to this! Best. Thing. Ever! Now I know what to really do with the 30 box of condoms lying around! :')

The end. 

My only friends are internet friends

and I just can't work out how I feel about this.

When Peter was on his mission an acquaintance of mine found out I was waiting for him, and she eagerly embraced me into her world of MGs. My life would never be the same.

Missionary Girlfriends (MG) are this insane phenomenon and sub-culture which is booming and real, even if you have no idea of their existence. Essentially they're like mermaids, because they very much exist, just do so in secret. Mostly they function on Facebook groups, sharing stories, package ideas, and, most fundamentally. support for one another. Say what you will about these girls, spew percentages of the success rate of waiting, and offer suggestions that we're all no-life wannabes, but whether they are reunited with their men or not, I found the MG group to be a fundamentally and majorly decent band of girls, just looking for friends that they could share their experiences with.

For me I found instant relief in these groups. Peter and I had not dated prior to his mission, and it was very important to both of us that he serve a full faithful and diligent two years with no distractions from anything at home. With these basic rules of our relationship, I didn't feel I could openly discuss my love for Peter with anyone without being told I was dumb, or immature, or else simply boring anyone I could find to pine at. Suddenly, with my introduction to the crazy, passionate, and at times alarmingly scary world of MGs I had a worldwide outlet for all my missionary woes.

When Peter came home I joined another group, this time originally built for RMGs (Returned Missionary Girlfriends) and to facilitate discussion about the transitions from mission to dating, from dating to marriage, and all the things it contained.

I have now been in these sorts of groups for over 3 years, and it has been a strange and wonderful experience, an experience that I am still living through, but one that I just can't decide if it's time for me to abandon or not.

On the one hand, I have made SO many great fantastic life long friends through these groups and the subculture they have formed. I speak to two of them on a daily basis and miss them when I don't hear from them even though (and here's kind of the "other hand") I HAVE NEVER MET THEM IN REAL LIFE.

Over last Christmas I brought Peter to Utah, where my parents had recently moved, to meet the family. As a lot of these girls live in Utah, I set off to attempt to meet as many of my online friends as physically possible, and I was met with zero understanding from anyone I knew in real life.

"But what if they're 40 year old men?" my father teased me one day, and while I can understand that this is a genuine and real possibility in this world of the internet and lies (hahaha, jk. everything on the internet is true, I know that) that was never a possibility even in the fathomed-est corner of my mind. These girls were my lifelines, my saviours. They were (and are) girls who I depend on in every major moment of my life. I update girls on the internet more than I update my Facebook. Seriously.

So, (and while I'm not entirely sure if this constitutes a point, or if I even have a point, this is my attempt at one for tonight) what constitutes a real and worthwhile relationship these days?

Beyond Peter, I don't have any friends here in Hawaii. I always heard single people complain that when people get married they disappear off the face of the planet never to be heard of again. I even agreed with them because I had experienced it myself, but now as a newlywed, I often wonder how many times it happens just in reverse, that people write off us married fogeys as soon as we don our wedding gear. I suddenly find myself without anyone seriously interested in having me around them, forget being invited to things.

On the internet, however, I AM SUPER UBER POPULAR! I'm like an awesome B-list celebrity! Like, think of someone you once saw in a movie one time as a supporting actor to a supporting actor. You'd probably recognize their face, but definitely not their name, and it would take you a while to work out where you knew them from. Yup. I am THAT BIG on the internet. Okay, realistically, as big as their sibling that you once got to meet because a friend knew a friend, and you were like, sure! I'd love to meet the sibling of that one guy in Troll 2. So big.

Thus I find myself trapped in this daily struggle. I'm not going to let go of the friends that I have made, Hades no, those are my homegirls! I would never trade them in. Instead, perhaps it's time for me to attempt to deplug and search more fervently for a friend that is tangible as well. One I can see once or twice a week, rather than just stalk their Facebook profiles, instagrams, and blogs passionately, because as much as I love Peter, my jobs, and the endless amount of books I am now reading back to back like someone with serious biblio-dependency, I find myself so lonely and eager for someone to spend time with.

Three things I would like you to know as I end this blog post:

1. I am sorry that I have not been funny recently. That being said, I know only 30 of you are actually reading, so maybe you don't mind, but just like to hear me ramble. Thanks. I appreciate you.
2. I am taking applications for friendship and/or advice on how to make friends as a 22 year old married woman with multiple jobs who is not in school.
3. It is 2:19am and my neighbours are making bacon. It smells divine and I am proud of them for recognizing the importance of the meat regardless of what time of day it is. Bless you, neighbours. Now please share. 

2011 meets 2014

This month marks Peter's one year return from Japan. This year has been fantastic - one of the best of my life, and somehow it seems to have gone a million times faster than the two years that passed while he was gone. Today for my blog post, I am recycling the post I first wrote in July of 2011 when Peter first left for Japan:

"So, for any of you who don't know, my dear friend Peter Gregory reported to the MTC 1pm MST yesterday.

Last time Peter and I said goodbyes, I walked him to the edge of campus and he finished the stretch to his sister's alone. I returned to the GCB to collect my things and go home and was met with the stony faces of the friends who had just, like me, sent the littlest Gregory boy off. I had a few approach me with faces kind of like those you see at cancer patient's bedside, some used hushed voices, as though loud noises would be enough to send me into hysterics, and even a dear friend try to pull me away to go "talk" and wouldn't relent until I had told him for the tenth time "I'M OKAY!"
Thus, here I am again to explain why Elder Gregory being gone is quite a relief.
Here is a short list I have compiled entitled -

Why I am glad Peter Gregory is going to Japan

1) I get more sleep.
Thanks to time difference Peter being gone but still reachable has interfered with my sleep cycle for months now! While in Hawaii I would get incredibly sad and lonely at night, because I'm stupid (I sat here for a really long time trying to think of a good logical reason, and that was the best I got, but as I am stupid, that would be a good reason why I can't think of a logical reason. Wow, I'm so smart!) (Wait...) I would wake up early to text him when he was getting ready for work even though I had spent most of my night sobbing pathetically into my pillow (because I'm stupid. Remember). Then, once I made it to Vienna it was all about staying up late to Skype before I was unreachable for hours while I slept, then getting up early to Skype before work and before he was unreachable for hours while he slept.
I can sleep early and sleep in?! Leave, child. Leave.

2) I will not be stressed out.
Lets be frank, (I've always liked Frank, he's a cool kid). Relationships are hard work! Sure, Peter and I never dated, in fact we went on one (1) date the entire time we were friends, but he was my best friend, and best friends is a relationship all the same. Now I don't have to ever worry that he is mad at me because I borrowed his shirt without asking, or he is secretly angry because I didn't notice his haircut and didn't mention that so-and-so was back together with her jerk-butt boyfriend even though she deserves better... you know, stupid friend things.
Woo, THAT's a relief!

3) I look popular.
What's more valuable to your popularity points than mail? Answer: NOTHING. How coy and special will I appear this next semester now that I have another pen pal to write to? Even though I will no longer have an on campus mail box I think I'll still sit by the mail room conspicuously opening my stack of letters from various admirers and fans and read them, laughing elegantly at how witty my comrades are.
I better go relieve my roommates of my fan mail before they shred them in jealousy!

4) I am immediately more well educated.
Have I ever been past the equator? No. Have I ever been to Asia? Technically, yes (and I fully intend taking that technicality as far as I can!) However, I have never been to Japan, but now with Peter on his way I don't ever have to! In classy dinner party situations (which I assure you I am in all the time) if Asian policies or politics ever comes into conversation, (you know, as it does) everyone around me is silently mocking me, "Oh, Melece" they laugh in their head "she has nothing to contribute to this conversation. Japan is way too exotic for her" and that's when I, sipping my champagne flute of Dr. Pepper say "My dear friend Peter is living in Tokyo right now, isn't the *important piece of information which Elder Gregory will have informed me on* interesting?" That'll shut them up. Oh, how snotty my imaginary dinner party friends can be!

5) I can meet potential lovers.
What is the best reason for having a missionary to write other than getting the contact information of other wonderful men? This is a note I advise for every young girl looking for her FEC. Smother your letters in seductive love concoctions, send periodic (shareable) "home baked" goods, (unless you're confident with your baking skills, cleverly disguised store bought treats are always better), and a heavily-shopped photo now and then, maybe with a temple in the background or with you wearing white (subliminal messages work well) and you're golden! Almost eligible Missionaries will be filling your mailbox (see reason #3) in no time.

And THAT my dear friends is why I am glad Peter Gregory has left me.
I assure you my eyes are red and puffy because I am unfortunately allergic to something in laundry detergent/puppy dander/Vienna air/excessive reading of Cracked.com. Don't ever doubt me!"

This blog posts feels like it's a million years old and we are lightyears away from where we once were. It's nice to not have to belittle my feelings, or pretend that it doesn't bother me when Peter is gone for classes and work, instead I can embrace him in my arms and sob like we've been separated for years, because what is romance without a touch of melodrama? In all seriousness, I love my husband, I'm proud of him, and I thank God everyday that he is home in Hawaii with me.

We have less than 10 decent photos together from before his mission.
True story.