Thursday, January 22, 2015

How to lose an internet argument.

Months ago, four strong, intelligent, beautiful lady pioneers of debating and I founded an online debate club. We created a Facebook group specifically designed for young ladies such as ourselves to engage in stirring debates about whatever struck our fancy. By enouraging research, arguments, not being aggressive, or being easily offended, we were sure we would see ourselves flowering into mighty goddesses of civil arguments just in time for the 2016 political campaign.

In a lot of ways, I do see this happening. In a lot of other ways, I am witnessing how to properly lose an argument over the internet. Even when I feel members are articulating their point of view well, using founded research and even smiley faces to indicate lightheartedness, there will always be a storm out, and a lot of prime (and classic) internet fighting. 

Tonight, I witnessed first hand a storm out on a thread which I felt had been civil and well thought out. My friend Bri and I debriefed afterwards. 

Bri: I feel like I missed something. 
Me: Me too. It went from a back and forth to a I CANT EVEN TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW. But without caps.  
Bri: I'm surprised she didn't throw in a "AND YOUR MOM'S COOKING SUCKS" and kick a puppy on her way out. (I've never stormed out of anywhere before so I don't really know how it works). 
Me: No I think that's standard protocol. There's probably a handbook. At the very least a wikihow. 

But then I did my research. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN: there is no wikihow on how to properly storm out of an internet debate. I was too lazy to look further, but I assume there is also no wikihow on how to lose an internet debate, but I am pairing the two together and presenting (ba-ba-ba-BAAAAAAAAAAA (that is supposed to be, like, the end of the 21st Century Fox opening, not a sheep,  just to let you know)) 

                               HOW TO LOSE AN INTERNET ARGUMENT. 

1. Ensure you base your point of view entirely on a delicate balance between logical fallicies and personal anecdotes. 
Research is for noobs. Don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise. You know your argument because once upon a time it happened to your sister's mother-in law's aunt, and no one can take that away from you. You don't need references nor should you ever consider looking for them. People who use research only do so because they know they are wrong. That is why they can't just explain their argument using their own words. They are dependent on other people. Dependency equals weakness, and the weak shall fall.  

2. Abandon grammar. 
Think of every writing rule and tool you have learned in your lifetime and punch them in the face. Capitalization Doesn't Have To Be Just For Proper Nouns Or Sentence Beginnings. lower case should also be embraced, especially for proper nouns. Use ellipses... When it doesn't necessarily... Make sense to have...them. Exclamation points too!!!!!!!!!!! Abandun speling. ur in a debate. their is no tim four spell chek.  

3. Do not recognize other points being made. 
People are going to come back at you with counter points. Ignore them. Acknowledging the thoughts of others is a symptom of a seasoned debater, and we're here to lose spectacularly. Don't ever change your point of view, or your purpose. If someone asks you to consider something that wasn't in your initial point, rebuke it with a non-sequitor that was. 

4. Keep it simple OR overwhelm yourself. 
Hand in hand with failing to recognize other points, is keeping your argument as simplistic as possible (i.e. Only offering "yes" "no" and "because it is that way" as an explanation). Who can argue with a one word answer? 
Alternatively, consider including every thing you can possibly think of in one argument. Is the topic the death penalty? Perfect, people who are murderers drink water, and water is a liquid, and liquid that is solid can be used as a weapon, and TVs could also be used as a weapon, so protect the children and ban homework for heavens sake! Confusing your opponent, and yourself, is key. 

5. Make it personal. 
Don't ever allow a debate to be emotionless. Fling insults and wield name calling at any opportunity. It's common knowledge that every argument is lost as soon as someone name calls. Don't be afraid to be that person. Conversely, make sure that everything that is being said is being perceived as a personal insult to you. I don't care if the statement is "your mother is a kind woman," you can easily retort with, "oh, is that to suggest that my grandmother isn't?!" Boom. Crushed it. 

6. Have a dramatic exit. 
The exit is a key component to every internet debate storm out. Tell everyone you are speechless. That you cannot even fathom who raised them, or how on earth they sleep at night. This may just sound like more insults, but it is so much more intricate than that. Here is your time to show that it is by your own choosing that you are leaving this debate. You are disgusted by the behaviour and ethics of those around you, and that is what is motivating your departure. It is not that you have lost or been proven wrong, but rather that they are not even worth engaging anymore. Make this clear. 

There you have it, folks. Good luck out there! I believe in you all. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Questions I have when watching Frozen

Many of my favourite books or movies provide me with more insight and understanding each time I read or watch them. I come out at the end feeling edified and filled with knowledge. I improve my trivia questions on the subject and become one step closer to being a bonafide expert in that particular field. Frozen, however, is not one of those movies. Granted, I haven't yet dedicated a passionate amount of time in dissecting this 2013 Disney animated feature, however, each time I do watch, all I seem to find myself with is more questions and major frustrations. 

Here is a short compilation of questions I have when I watch Frozen: 

1. Why are these men leaving an orphan boy and baby reindeer alone in a frozen tundra? 
2. How are these girls not dying of hypothermia? 
3. Aren't you going to be in a crap-ton of trouble for creating a snow storm at 3am? 
4. How did the parents sleep through that whole pRty then come running as soon as they are called? 
5. Parents, is that really what you sleep in? 
6. Why are there trolls? 


7. Is this little boy seriously an orphan? 
8. Now adopted by trolls? 
9. And that's all the explanation we are going to get? Neat. 
10. Wow, parents, have you really never read Macbeth/Oedipus Rex? There is essentially no way you trying to avoid this prophecy could go well. 
11. How is separating your two children from each other a good idea? 


12. When has telling a child she has to change everything about herself ever worked well? 
13. Has anyone ever told you that you are the WORST PARENTS IN THE WORLD?! 
14. Who hurt you, Disney? 
15. Why must all the parents die? 
16. Who has been running the country while the girls are alone in the castle? 
17. Is it really necessary for Elsa to do the coronation ungloved? 
18. Are you suggesting that a man is evil simply because he is a bad dancer?
19. Anna, what if this Hans guy is an axe murderer? 


20. How did Anna buy those things? 
21. Do you have a credit card in your bra? 
22. Why doesn't Kristoff recognize Anna from the night he was mysteriously adopted by trolls? 
23. Where did Elsa's clothes go? 
24. What is she going to sleep in or eat? 
25. Why can't anyone in this movie just communicate like healthy adults? 
26. Why are the trolls "love experts"? Do love experts really tell parents to suppress their children? 
27. How is Olaf the smartest character in this movie? 
28. Why would people just assume the princess is dead without checking the body? 


29. At what point did everyone decide that Elsa wasn't evil? 
30. Why is the man from Weasel Town evil? 

And finally, probably the most important question: Why would anyone ever say this movie is better than Tangled? 

Thursday, January 8, 2015

8 (lazy) ways that you can be a fitness pro.

I'm behind on the New Years posts, but better late than never! Because I am hip and up to date on the blogger-sphere, I figured I would write a fitness posts with tips on how to get active and healthy with this brand new year. Of course, these aren't any sort of fitness tips, but rather tips for those who don't actually want to be healthy but need ways to tell people that you are.

1. Install a motion detector light in your home.
This investment encourages you to move from your cocoon of safety and junk food every 30-50 seconds to jump around wildly in order to have any light to see by. Depending on how frequently you need light, this could be a serious calorie burner.

2. Remove all toilet paper from your bathroom.
Do you know how effective squats are at toning your legs? Incredibly effective, from what I've heard. By decreasing your proximity from toilet paper, you are encouraged to squat walk from the bathroom with your pants at your ankles to retrieve your favourite wiping tool. Works best if you live alone.

3. Decrease the size of the blankets on your bed, or, if you have a spouse, provide only enough bedding for one of you.
This technique encourages wrestling and crunching. In the case of smaller blankets, you are forced to minimize your size on the mattress, engaging important core muscles. When you have a spouse with whom you're forced to ration coverage, this can be a perfect opportunity to strengthen arm muscles as you pull blankets and punch out your spouse.

4. Wear only skinny jeans and other tight clothing.
The skinny jean hop is one way I stay in tip-top shape. By only selecting clothes that are tight, you are forced to wriggle, jump, and squeeze into and out of everything you wear. This one is better if you have a roommate of some sort, as the dance moves you produce are both priceless and hilarious.

5. Move to an area with wild chickens, (or anger a local rooster.)
There is a wide spread fallacy that suggests that roosters cry at dawn. Roosters in fact cry whenever and wherever the mood strikes them, no matter what the time of day or what you are doing. Ensuring you have a loud dominant rooster in your yard provides you with an opportunity to take up sprinting when your patience and eardrums can take no more. Having lived in a home where I suggested to the local roosters that I was the alpha, I have experienced what it is like to rage a personal war with multiple chickens at once. They are like miniature personal trainers! You will be sprinting (and cussing, and possibly throwing rocks) in no time.

6. Hold your pee for as long as you can.
This is a practice that may lead to urinary impotence in the future, but will strengthen your leg and stomach muscles in the now. Crossing your legs tightly, tiptoeing rapidly, and hopping in place are all side effects of a full bladder, and are all fantastic for increasing muscles in your calves and thighs. Added bonus for if you also choose to only use bathrooms that are far away from you once you decide it is time to go; sprinting while clenching all of your abdominal muscles is a sure way to quick 6-pack abs.

7. Throw away any remotes that you have.
By removing your access to your TV remote one of two things can happen. You can increase your movement by forcing yourself to get up and walk to the TV when you need something to watch, or you can perfect your throwing arm. By finding small objects around the house that you can throw at the TV buttons, you can improve your pitching and strengthen your arm muscles. Either way, it is a physical win.

8. Put your arm in a sling.
Make a sling for your arm to immobilize it. By forcing yourself to use only one arm a day you are guaranteed to give the one free arm twice as much work as it usually gets and thus twice the opportunity for buff-ness. Switch out which arm is held by the sling every couple days to ensure both are being worked.
(This one is a little tricky, because cripples often get help from those around them, so you have to promise not to cheat yourself. I believe in you, though. You can do it.)

There you have it, folks. 8 foolproof ways to ensure you are fitter than ever before!
Update me on your progress, and let me know if you have any other hot tips on getting into shape.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Burning bras are a safety hazard.

Before you begin this entry, please take this short quiz!

1) Do you think that all human beings are equal? 

2) Do you think all human beings, being equal, deserve human rights? 

3) Do you think women are human beings? 

4) Do you think men are human beings? 

5) Do you think both men and women, being humans, deserve equal human rights? 

If you answered yes to all of these questions, congratulations, you are a feminist!

So why is this identity upsetting to you? I really hope it isn't. Unfortunately, there is a recent trend of people turning their backs on "feminism," or at least claiming to. To me, it is astounding and is an act full of very scary logical fallacies. 

Let me explain. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a church often known as the Mormon church. If I were in a conversation with someone who told me, 

"I hate Mormons! They are evil! That Warren Jeffs guy molested all sorts of children, and forced young girls into arranged marriages! That's awful, and I will not stand for it. I am anti-Mormon," my response would probably be, 

"Okay, so I hear you; Warren Jeffs is pretty dastardly, and I wholeheartedly agree that he deserves the multiple life sentences he is currently serving in prison, buuuut, he's not Mormon. So, you hating him, doesn't make you anti-Mormon... Amirite?" 

Similar to the misidentification of FLDS church as being the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, everyday people falsely attribute the acts of misandrists to being representative beliefs of feminism. To help us all assure we are on the same page, let us define both terms. 

  1. dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men (i.e., the male sex).
    "her brand of feminism is just poorly disguised misandry"

  1. the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.

Just to reiterate: 
Feminism is a movement for gender equality.

I see people claiming to abandon feminism over and over through passionate blog pieces and celebrity endorsements. Please, do not stand up and say that you do not believe that women deserve to be treated equally to men because feminists are evil, when in reality, you feel that the acts and behaviours of misandrists are immoral and wrong. If anything, to me, that means that you ARE a feminist! You are openly against the mistreatment and blanket-statement hating of men. You believe that they too are humans who deserve to be given equal opportunities and rights. If you believe this, you are a feminist

Abandoning the feminist movement because of the acts, beliefs, and behaviours of misandrists would be similar to me leaving my faith - something I believe to be true and right - due to the misconceptions of others that I may be a polygamist in favour of child molestation. Others incorrectly identifying themselves as LDS while they do terrible things that are not representative of my church or my standards, will not make me walk away from my religion, and neither will misandrists claiming to be feminists make me walk away from my beliefs in feminism. On the contrary, their mislabeling of their own biases makes me feel more passionate as everyday goes by to educate people on what feminism is and what it fights for. I feel inclined to shout, "do not tell me you are a feminist when you are openly bigoted against an entire gender. Do not suggest that feminism represents that. You are wrong." 

In other instances, it doesn't seem to be what feminism stands for to make individuals turn their back, but some strange desire to exempt themselves from a worldwide movement simply because they feel they are not involved. For those who claim that they are not a feminist because they have never experienced inequality, my heart feels so heavy. Should I likewise stand up and say, 

"I am not anti-rape, because I have never been a victim of assault." 

"I am not anti-racism, because I have never been a victim of a hate crime." 

"I am not anti-murder; no one has ever tried to murder me." 

"I am not anti-poverty. I have always had a roof over my head."


The fact that I do not face horrible things on a daily basis does not mean that I do not recognize the ways in which those things exist in the lives of others. Maybe I have never been denied something because of my gender, but everyday, worldwide, thousands of people are. 

So please. Educate yourself on the things which you are claiming to know enough about to publicly denounce. And if you still feel that you are not a feminist, well, like Louise Brealey, I hope you'll reconsider. As she said, "I'd like every man who doesn't call himself a feminist to explain to the women in his life why he doesn't believe in equality for women."

Thank you for reading my rant. I hope you feel enlightened. 

Batman wants you for a feminist.