Saturday, May 30, 2015

I'm dyeing over here!

Wanna know how to look like a superfly rockstar? Lemme tell you.

I've been dyeing my hair purple since December of last year. Originally the plan was to dye my entire head of hair purple but then Peege was all, "I'd really prefer it if you didn't," and I said, "okay, darling, but that means don't grow a moustache" and he was like, "no problem, can't anyway." Communication, people. The best.

I have never been the greatest at dyeing my hair, (even though I enjoy doing it), and in trying to dye the ends of my hair every two months I found that I would magically turn my bathroom, chest, and hands all totally purple for a week afterwards. (TADAHHHH!) It was always totally worth it, but embarrassingly messy. Now, two dye jobs away from needing to stop forever with my purple ways, I have mastered it. Let me show you my punklovin' ways, my peeps.

Step one: Assemble your tools.
You will need the dye of your choice. I wholeheartedly recommend Punky Color brand, but whatever shade you choose is up to you. This month I have opened a new jar (seriously, just one jar lasted me forever, I bought two together in January) and it's Plum. Previously I used Violet, aaaand I think I liked it better. Both smelled lovely, but Plum seems to be pinker.
Aluminium foil.
Wax paper to hold your dyeing goods and keep your counter tops clean.
Plastic/latex gloves. 
A hair dye brush.  
A mindless TV show/movie to keep you occupied. 

Step two: Divide and conquer.

Separate your hair into small sections and begin. Using a square of aluminium foil and your brush, paint dye onto your ends. Just smother it in. Ohhh yeaahhhhh. Attempt to take a photo for your blog, but fail.

Use black gloves for added swagger.
The blurrier the picture, the more action packed the dye job. 

Step three: Foiled!

After applying your desired amount of dye to your desired section of hair, wrap that mofo up. Parcel your hair like it is a Christmas present to your future self. Take more uncomfortable pictures. 

It's hard to take modest pictures when you're secretly naked. 

Ah, yissss. Dye jobs. Foreva. 

 Step four: Treat yo'self!

Take some time to lounge around your house enjoying your guilty pleasures. Write an informative blog post on how to do something ridiculously simple. Let that dye sit and fester. Consider looking up better words than "fester" to describe things on your body.

I do recommend cleaning up your work space immediately after finishing your application process. A lot of the mess that I would previously get happened because I allowed my brush to sit in the drain, or left my gloves drip drying. Use your wax paper to wipe as much dye from your brush as possible (while still wearing your gloves) and then rinse off both gloves and brush in the shower or bathtub until the water runs clear. Allow gloves and brush to air dry on more wax paper. NO DRIP DRYING! You can do it. I believe in you.

Step five: Take a shower.

Hop in the shower and wash yo'self, removing the aluminium foil as you go. You will look sexy fine in no time. No selfie as I post this, because I am still enjoying step four as I type this. Maybe I'll post one later if you're lucky. MAYBE.

Go live your dreams, you majestic land narwhal.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I'm Too Sexy.

2007 and 2008 were rough years for me. My family moved to Maryland, USA from Harrogate, England where I had lived for as long as I could remember. I missed my town, I missed my friends, I wasn't making friends in my new school, and I really really hated the new school where I had no friends. It was emotional. I also wasn't getting along with my parents. We were waiting for our visas to come through for us to move to Russia, but never knew exactly when they would be coming. Everyday hinged on a question of if and when we would be leaving Maryland to go to the next assignment. I was acting out at home and not being a very pleasant daughter. The fact that my parents didn't throw me out on my butt is a testament to their genuine goodness in itself. 

While I didn't love my school, I had one class that I really did enjoy. My U.S. Government teacher was eloquent and motivating, and his class was the only one I was in where the students were being truly engaged and challenged. One day he was covering unlawful search and seizure, and I was selected to help do a role play for the class. In this role play, another student and I were found in the girls bathroom with a lit cigarette. When asked if we were smoking, I confessed that yes I was while the other girl denied. My role ended with my being handed a referral and told to sit down. 

The referrals at my school were A4 sheets of paper with two carbon copies. They were handed out for any form of disciplinary action to take place. A troublemaking student would receive one, and be sent to the office immediately to get their punishment. The referrals themselves contained the name of the student, name of the teacher, and a description of the reason why the student was being punished. At the office, the principal would fill in the section that said what punishment would be given. I had never received a referral myself, and so being handed a genuine (and blank) golden ticket to the office was incredibly exciting. 

The girl next to me and I decided a prank could be had. We separated the two carbon copies from the main referral sheet and traded them, so we could fill them out for each other in unknown handwriting and show them to our parents. I cannot remember what we said she did, but I remember mine very well. 

"Melece Meservy has been sent to the office for disciplinary action after she started singing "I'm Too Sexy" loudly in the middle of class. When asked to be quiet, she jumped onto her desk, and began to hop from desk to desk across the classroom while swinging her hips in a suggestive manner." 

Under reason for behaviour, we checked the boxes for "attention" and "reason unclear." Action taken was immediate suspension from school and mandatory visitation with a school counselor. 

I knew that there was no point in me trying to trick my dad into believing that this had actually happened, but I was determined that I could con my mother. I worked hard all the way home on the bus to muster up fear and panic in my eyes and voice. I walked slowly into her room where she was laying in bed reading a book. 

"Mom." I said, "I did something bad." I handed her the paper, and watched her attentively. To my disappointment, she laughed. 
"april fools!" She said, handing me back the paper. 


I took my failed prank into the kitchen and chucked it on the table. I made myself a snack and busied myself with my homework (probably, actually reading Twilight or watching TV if I'm honest.) A few hours later, I heard a knock at my bedroom door where I lay reading a book (it wasn't Twilight, though, I remember distinctly.) 

"Hello?" I asked. 
My dad entered the room looking somber. I knew something bad had happened because he came in and immediately closed the door behind him before walking over to sit on my bed. 
"How was your day?" He asked 
"Fine." I answered, as eloquent and quick to share as most 16 year olds talking to their parents.
"Did anything happen?" He responded, still staring me down with the upmost danger in his eyes. 
"No...?" I said, now wondering what I have forgotten about. Catching on, I started to laugh. 
"What I saw out there did NOT seem like a laughing matter, Melece" insisted dad, now getting angry. 
"It was a joke, dad!" I laughed hysterically, "I was trying to get mom, but I NEVER thought I'd get you!" 

This is one of my dad's favourite stories to tell. From his point of view, he says that it was one of those days where nothing at all was going right. He had been faced with incompetent coworkers who really ought to have been competent, and was told once again that it would be a "couple" more months before our visas came through. He came home feeling dejected and exhausted, especially knowing that mom and I were struggling. He came into the kitchen to find an official document telling him that I had lost it. 

"She's gone completely insane," he thought to himself sad, and incredulous. "This is awful. This means I have to punish her, but I don't want to. She must have had a complete psychological break." 

And thus my father entered my room burdened with the task of punishing his officially insane teenage daughter, and I got a wonderful laugh out of a tired and lonely week. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Caution: may contain condom water part II.

Thanks to sick kids and germs, I was home this afternoon. A Facebook notification came across my feed informing me that a friend had tagged me in a discussion on a post in one of my Facebook groups.

Nina: I just can't look at [condoms] without thinking of when Melece filled one up with like a gallon of water. Then I start laughing and I can't get it outta my head SO THANKS Melece for ruining my condom sex life.

Me (with deepest sympathies and great tact): Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha I regret NOTHING.

and thus began a great adventure. 

Taelor: Melece, did you take a picture of that!?

Melece: Just as I was about to it popped. BUT I AM HOME ALONE NOW. BRB.

Melece: Update: I have now burst two condoms and soaked my bathroom. YOLO.

Because I love and care for the happiness of my friends, I posted a video.  

Here are the resulting comments. (Some comments have been omitted for relevancy's sake, and one has been altered entirely to make sense without explanation/back story. Last names have been removed, but first names remain unchanged. Hopefully no one sues me.) 

Katelyn: This is the best thing I've seen all day.

Melece: Oh my gosh, this isn't even in the right group. Sorry, guys!!!
Also, I forgot to hide the condom wrappers. Peter got home a second ago, went to the bathroom to pee and goes, "WHY ARE THERE TWO USED CONDOMS IN THE TRASH? Melly, have you been playing with condom water?! AGAIN?!"
Me: "Oh, no... I forgot to hide those. I didn't think about you noticing them in the trash"
Peter: "You didn't think I would notice that there are TWO used condoms in the trash of the bathroom that I share with my wife?! I leave the house for three hours and come back to find that my wife has used not one, but both of the condoms that we had remaining in my absence. Well. Done. Melly."

geez husbands these days just don't understand hahaha

Melece: THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Lawl, sorry this video is upside down for half of it. You all need to hire me to be a videographer for your weddings. CLEARLY.

Nina: Also "condom water" hahaha EW

Melece: Peter watching this video: "I love how funny you think you are."

Taelor: hehehehe thanks for the entertainment!

Nina: Also PSA: don't ask your husband if he has any condoms because he will think you mean sex when actually you just wanna copy Melece and play with condom water.

Melece: You're welcome! These condoms were both an extra challenge because they were lubricated, whereas the first time I did this was with an unlubricated condom. It was like playing in expert mode.

Taelor: HAHAHAHA Nina. Way to ruin Ty's dream.

Nina: Geez where were condoms when we were organizing elementary school SCIENCE projects?!

"Lubed vs unlubed condoms: which holds water better?"

Melece: Peter in response to Nina, "yeah, why would anyone use condoms for sex?! he says with a look of puzzlement. A LOOK OF MOCK PUZZLEMENT. It's supposed to look like a penis, but it just looks like a giant water balloon! WAAAAATER FIIIIIGHT. This one is studded for ultimate throwing pleasure. And this one is flavoured so that when it explodes it is delicious! The boxes shouldn't say 'ribbed for her pleasure,' they should say 'can hold three extra gallons of water!"
He is pacing around the apartment ranting at me. hahahahahahahahahahah I'm laughing so hard.

Me: "my hands smell like condoms."

Taelor: Bahahahaha this is the most hilarious thing I've experienced all day!
I need to go buy a condom.

Nina: Hahahahahaha I'm crying. Peter is the best I want to be friends with you guys

Melece: Buy a couple, they burst a lot.

Nina: Taelor considering your current situation that would be such a waste of money

Taelor: Heh heh heh you're right. But I WANNA FILL ONE UP WITH WATER!

Melece: bahahahahahahhahahahahha.
He's reading all these comments over my shoulder, and so he points to Taelor's and goes, "yes, just the one condom. Ask them to take it out of the box. Excuse me, sir, which condom would you recommend for inflation? and by inflation I mean filling it with water. Pretty sure your husband wants to fill one up with a penis."

Nina: "um yeah how much for just ONE condom?"

Katelyn: I need to be writing a paper but THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!


Melece: bahahahahahahahha. Oh, so THAT'S how you got pregnant.

Nina: "Oh what do you mean they only sell them in multiples?? I JUST NEED ONE SIR! FOR SCIENCE!"

Laura: "Please sir, may I have some more?"

Melece: Peter, pointing to Laura's comment: "now THAT's what your husband wants to hear. *holds belly while chuckling* hah hah hah hah"

Taelor: Hi Peter.  I am smarter than I seem.

Nina: ^ there's an idea for spicing up the bedroom. "Oliver Twist" role play and position. We should write a book.

Melece: hahahahaha! It's okay, the only one he is judging here is me.
Peter: "That's not true"

Sara: Now we're all going to make Peter pace across the apartment and rant

Melece: Peter in a british accent: "I'm the artful dodger!"
now he is squirming around the bed going, "nope! you missed! try again, NOPE! MISSED! I AM SO ARTFUL AT DODGING."

Laura: I think I've found a reason why I need to come out to Utah

Sara: Why do you have to be so far away in Hawaii?!

Taelor: Yeah. Surrsly.....

Melece: Peter: "so.... she wants to come to Utah all because you inflated a condom and I made jokes about dodging a penis. Good day for us." :'D

Taelor: Party!!!!!!

Melece: Hahahahah, it's okay. We'll be there in like two months.

Melece: P: "the main activity? inflating condoms. awwwww yeahhhh."

Melece: P: you don't have to write everything I say.


Melece: hahahaha. I didn't have to. He's reading with me.

Taelor: Oh. HI!

Laura: ::shaking my head::

Melece: My head hurts from laughing. Good talk, ladies. Good talk. Now everyone go do your own experiments and film the results. FOR SCIENCE.

Laura: I will die if I go to a bridal shower this summer, and the question is posed about what the bride is most looking forward to about getting married, because this will be all that I think about lol 😇


Hilary: I'm so glad my serious post resulted to this! Best. Thing. Ever! Now I know what to really do with the 30 box of condoms lying around! :')

The end.