Thanks to sick kids and germs, I was home this afternoon. A Facebook notification came across my feed informing me that a friend had tagged me in a discussion on a post in one of my Facebook groups.
Nina: I just can't look at [condoms] without thinking of when Melece filled one up with like a gallon of water. Then I start laughing and I can't get it outta my head SO THANKS Melece for ruining my condom sex life.
Me (with deepest sympathies and great tact): Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha I regret NOTHING.
Taelor: Melece, did you take a picture of that!?
Melece: Just as I was about to it popped. BUT I AM HOME ALONE NOW. BRB.
Melece: Update: I have now burst two condoms and soaked my bathroom. YOLO.
Katelyn: This is the best thing I've seen all day.
Melece: Oh my gosh, this isn't even in the right group. Sorry, guys!!!
Also, I forgot to hide the condom wrappers. Peter got home a second ago, went to the bathroom to pee and goes, "WHY ARE THERE TWO USED CONDOMS IN THE TRASH? Melly, have you been playing with condom water?! AGAIN?!"
Me: "Oh, no... I forgot to hide those. I didn't think about you noticing them in the trash"
Peter: "You didn't think I would notice that there are TWO used condoms in the trash of the bathroom that I share with my wife?! I leave the house for three hours and come back to find that my wife has used not one, but both of the condoms that we had remaining in my absence. Well. Done. Melly."
Nina: IT WAS FOR SCIENCE OKAY PETER STEP OFF
geez husbands these days just don't understand hahaha
Melece: THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Lawl, sorry this video is upside down for half of it. You all need to hire me to be a videographer for your weddings. CLEARLY.
Nina: Also "condom water" hahaha EW
Melece: Peter watching this video: "I love how funny you think you are."
Taelor: hehehehe thanks for the entertainment!
Nina: Also PSA: don't ask your husband if he has any condoms because he will think you mean sex when actually you just wanna copy Melece and play with condom water.
Melece: You're welcome! These condoms were both an extra challenge because they were lubricated, whereas the first time I did this was with an unlubricated condom. It was like playing in expert mode.
Taelor: HAHAHAHA Nina. Way to ruin Ty's dream.
Nina: Geez where were condoms when we were organizing elementary school SCIENCE projects?!
"Lubed vs unlubed condoms: which holds water better?"
Melece: Peter in response to Nina, "yeah, why would anyone use condoms for sex?! he says with a look of puzzlement. A LOOK OF MOCK PUZZLEMENT. It's supposed to look like a penis, but it just looks like a giant water balloon! WAAAAATER FIIIIIGHT. This one is studded for ultimate throwing pleasure. And this one is flavoured so that when it explodes it is delicious! The boxes shouldn't say 'ribbed for her pleasure,' they should say 'can hold three extra gallons of water!"
He is pacing around the apartment ranting at me. hahahahahahahahahahah I'm laughing so hard.
Me: "my hands smell like condoms."
Peter: "REALLY?! YOU DON'T SAY."
Taelor: Bahahahaha this is the most hilarious thing I've experienced all day!
I need to go buy a condom.
Nina: Hahahahahaha I'm crying. Peter is the best I want to be friends with you guys
Melece: Buy a couple, they burst a lot.
Nina: Taelor considering your current situation that would be such a waste of money
Taelor: Heh heh heh you're right. But I WANNA FILL ONE UP WITH WATER!
Melece: bahahahahahahhahahahahha.
He's reading all these comments over my shoulder, and so he points to Taelor's and goes, "yes, just the one condom. Ask them to take it out of the box. Excuse me, sir, which condom would you recommend for inflation? and by inflation I mean filling it with water. Pretty sure your husband wants to fill one up with a penis."
Nina: "um yeah how much for just ONE condom?"
Katelyn: I need to be writing a paper but THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!
Taelor: SHUT UP I'VE NEVER BOUGHT A CONDOM OK!?!?!
Melece: bahahahahahahahha. Oh, so THAT'S how you got pregnant.
Nina: "Oh what do you mean they only sell them in multiples?? I JUST NEED ONE SIR! FOR SCIENCE!"
Laura: "Please sir, may I have some more?"
Melece: Peter, pointing to Laura's comment: "now THAT's what your husband wants to hear. *holds belly while chuckling* hah hah hah hah"
Taelor: Hi Peter. I am smarter than I seem.
Nina: ^ there's an idea for spicing up the bedroom. "Oliver Twist" role play and position. We should write a book.
Melece: hahahahaha! It's okay, the only one he is judging here is me.
Peter: "That's not true"
Sara: Now we're all going to make Peter pace across the apartment and rant
Melece: Peter in a british accent: "I'm the artful dodger!"
now he is squirming around the bed going, "nope! you missed! try again, NOPE! MISSED! I AM SO ARTFUL AT DODGING."
Laura: I think I've found a reason why I need to come out to Utah
Sara: Why do you have to be so far away in Hawaii?!
Taelor: Yeah. Surrsly.....
Melece: Peter: "so.... she wants to come to Utah all because you inflated a condom and I made jokes about dodging a penis. Good day for us." :'D
Taelor: Party!!!!!!
Melece: Hahahahah, it's okay. We'll be there in like two months.
Melece: P: "the main activity? inflating condoms. awwwww yeahhhh."
Melece: P: you don't have to write everything I say.
Taelor: DID YOU TELL PETER THAT I SAY HI AND THAT I'M SMARTER THAN I AM ON THE INTERNET.
Melece: hahahaha. I didn't have to. He's reading with me.
Taelor: Oh. HI!
Laura: ::shaking my head::
Melece: My head hurts from laughing. Good talk, ladies. Good talk. Now everyone go do your own experiments and film the results. FOR SCIENCE.
Laura: I will die if I go to a bridal shower this summer, and the question is posed about what the bride is most looking forward to about getting married, because this will be all that I think about lol 😇
Taelor: FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.
Hilary: I'm so glad my serious post resulted to this! Best. Thing. Ever! Now I know what to really do with the 30 box of condoms lying around! :')
Nina: I just can't look at [condoms] without thinking of when Melece filled one up with like a gallon of water. Then I start laughing and I can't get it outta my head SO THANKS Melece for ruining my condom sex life.
Me (with deepest sympathies and great tact): Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha I regret NOTHING.
and thus began a great adventure.
Taelor: Melece, did you take a picture of that!?
Melece: Just as I was about to it popped. BUT I AM HOME ALONE NOW. BRB.
Melece: Update: I have now burst two condoms and soaked my bathroom. YOLO.
Because I love and care for the happiness of my friends, I posted a video.
Here are the resulting comments. (Some comments have been omitted for relevancy's sake, and one has been altered entirely to make sense without explanation/back story. Last names have been removed, but first names remain unchanged. Hopefully no one sues me.)
Katelyn: This is the best thing I've seen all day.
Melece: Oh my gosh, this isn't even in the right group. Sorry, guys!!!
Also, I forgot to hide the condom wrappers. Peter got home a second ago, went to the bathroom to pee and goes, "WHY ARE THERE TWO USED CONDOMS IN THE TRASH? Melly, have you been playing with condom water?! AGAIN?!"
Me: "Oh, no... I forgot to hide those. I didn't think about you noticing them in the trash"
Peter: "You didn't think I would notice that there are TWO used condoms in the trash of the bathroom that I share with my wife?! I leave the house for three hours and come back to find that my wife has used not one, but both of the condoms that we had remaining in my absence. Well. Done. Melly."
Nina: IT WAS FOR SCIENCE OKAY PETER STEP OFF
geez husbands these days just don't understand hahaha
Melece: THEY JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Lawl, sorry this video is upside down for half of it. You all need to hire me to be a videographer for your weddings. CLEARLY.
Nina: Also "condom water" hahaha EW
Melece: Peter watching this video: "I love how funny you think you are."
Taelor: hehehehe thanks for the entertainment!
Nina: Also PSA: don't ask your husband if he has any condoms because he will think you mean sex when actually you just wanna copy Melece and play with condom water.
Melece: You're welcome! These condoms were both an extra challenge because they were lubricated, whereas the first time I did this was with an unlubricated condom. It was like playing in expert mode.
Taelor: HAHAHAHA Nina. Way to ruin Ty's dream.
Nina: Geez where were condoms when we were organizing elementary school SCIENCE projects?!
"Lubed vs unlubed condoms: which holds water better?"
Melece: Peter in response to Nina, "yeah, why would anyone use condoms for sex?! he says with a look of puzzlement. A LOOK OF MOCK PUZZLEMENT. It's supposed to look like a penis, but it just looks like a giant water balloon! WAAAAATER FIIIIIGHT. This one is studded for ultimate throwing pleasure. And this one is flavoured so that when it explodes it is delicious! The boxes shouldn't say 'ribbed for her pleasure,' they should say 'can hold three extra gallons of water!"
He is pacing around the apartment ranting at me. hahahahahahahahahahah I'm laughing so hard.
Me: "my hands smell like condoms."
Peter: "REALLY?! YOU DON'T SAY."
Taelor: Bahahahaha this is the most hilarious thing I've experienced all day!
I need to go buy a condom.
Nina: Hahahahahaha I'm crying. Peter is the best I want to be friends with you guys
Melece: Buy a couple, they burst a lot.
Nina: Taelor considering your current situation that would be such a waste of money
Taelor: Heh heh heh you're right. But I WANNA FILL ONE UP WITH WATER!
Melece: bahahahahahahhahahahahha.
He's reading all these comments over my shoulder, and so he points to Taelor's and goes, "yes, just the one condom. Ask them to take it out of the box. Excuse me, sir, which condom would you recommend for inflation? and by inflation I mean filling it with water. Pretty sure your husband wants to fill one up with a penis."
Nina: "um yeah how much for just ONE condom?"
Katelyn: I need to be writing a paper but THIS IS SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!
Taelor: SHUT UP I'VE NEVER BOUGHT A CONDOM OK!?!?!
Melece: bahahahahahahahha. Oh, so THAT'S how you got pregnant.
Nina: "Oh what do you mean they only sell them in multiples?? I JUST NEED ONE SIR! FOR SCIENCE!"
Laura: "Please sir, may I have some more?"
Melece: Peter, pointing to Laura's comment: "now THAT's what your husband wants to hear. *holds belly while chuckling* hah hah hah hah"
Taelor: Hi Peter. I am smarter than I seem.
Nina: ^ there's an idea for spicing up the bedroom. "Oliver Twist" role play and position. We should write a book.
Melece: hahahahaha! It's okay, the only one he is judging here is me.
Peter: "That's not true"
Sara: Now we're all going to make Peter pace across the apartment and rant
Melece: Peter in a british accent: "I'm the artful dodger!"
now he is squirming around the bed going, "nope! you missed! try again, NOPE! MISSED! I AM SO ARTFUL AT DODGING."
Laura: I think I've found a reason why I need to come out to Utah
Sara: Why do you have to be so far away in Hawaii?!
Taelor: Yeah. Surrsly.....
Melece: Peter: "so.... she wants to come to Utah all because you inflated a condom and I made jokes about dodging a penis. Good day for us." :'D
Taelor: Party!!!!!!
Melece: Hahahahah, it's okay. We'll be there in like two months.
Melece: P: "the main activity? inflating condoms. awwwww yeahhhh."
Melece: P: you don't have to write everything I say.
Taelor: DID YOU TELL PETER THAT I SAY HI AND THAT I'M SMARTER THAN I AM ON THE INTERNET.
Melece: hahahaha. I didn't have to. He's reading with me.
Taelor: Oh. HI!
Laura: ::shaking my head::
Melece: My head hurts from laughing. Good talk, ladies. Good talk. Now everyone go do your own experiments and film the results. FOR SCIENCE.
Laura: I will die if I go to a bridal shower this summer, and the question is posed about what the bride is most looking forward to about getting married, because this will be all that I think about lol 😇
Taelor: FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES.
Hilary: I'm so glad my serious post resulted to this! Best. Thing. Ever! Now I know what to really do with the 30 box of condoms lying around! :')
The end.
I haven't silent-laughed so hard in a while! (The baby is asleep on my lap).
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