Tuesday, June 17, 2014

For the love of your unborn child, please put clothes on.

I want to begin today's blog post with a hypothetical situation:
Imagine you're my friend on Facebook. You sign in to check your newsfeed and you see I have posted a new photo album. This is so exciting! What could that silly Melece be up to? You click on a photo to see me dressed in what seems to be an ordinary outfit, but I am entranced with my stomach. This is somewhat off putting, but perhaps that was a candid! You continue through the album and find that in no picture am I looking at the camera, but instead I continue to caress my midriff. You click through the album more rapidly now. Suddenly, my shirt is gone only to be replaced with a black sports bra, but still I hold my stomach. In another picture Peter appears. He also doesn't look at the camera, but instead kisses my stomach by awkwardly kneeling in front of me while I stand and smile down at his head.

What is your reaction to these pictures? I guarantee for the majority of you the reaction would be, "My eyes feel violated! I need an adult! I need therapy! This is overwhelmingly inappropriate!" Of course it is! I'm showing a lot of skin, I'm being moody and pretentious, I'm holding my body for no obvious reason, and I'm forcing you to view a very unusual and uncomfortable form of PDA.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post:
As I come of child-bearing age, and find the majority of my friends at a similar age, I learn more about the weird customs of first world mommies. Maternity photo shoots just seem to be one more step in the road to modern-day motherhood, and I wish it wasn't so. I do understand the desire to photograph a progression of your body and child's growth, but there's a truth I wish more people would be aware of: a picture with a wholly formed human is astonishingly more pleasing to look at than a picture with an enlarged belly.  

Each time I am faced with offensive maternity photos I ache to retaliate by replicating the photos with my own seedless womb to make everyone feel like they need to repent just for seeing such things.

Here I have examples of comfortable and uncomfortable maternity pictures:

Oh, you're pregnant? How very exciting for you!
You look happy, and that field is just lovely. 


What is the belly telling you? To put on clothes and stop trying to listen to it? What a wise belly.
Stop. Please stop. 

You're right. You ARE happy, expecting parents. I feel happy for you. 

Hi, I don't need to see you naked. I don't think your future child does either.  

Cardinal rules for maternity photos: no stomach kissing, no moody staring, no naked bodies, no naked caressing. Just remember, if the child inside you will be scarred as a teenager when they see this picture, you should probably reevaluate your photoshoot.

Granted, I may just be a grumpy blogger who hates happiness, so ultimately do whatever floats your boat. Just don't be surprised when I message you an exact replica of whatever terrible belly shoot you've decided to publish. I'm naked and ready to caress myself! 

wait... Maybe not.


  1. Naked maternity pictures are taken for use as punishment when said babies become unruly teens. These pictures are shown to all their friends and the members of the opposite sex that they fancy the most.