Thursday, July 17, 2014

5 things ruined by marriage

Recently I've been thinking about how my life has changed over the past three months. Overall, I feel that the transition into marriage from engaged life was one so simple that sometimes I wonder if we're doing it wrong; maybe marriage isn't supposed to be this fun or easy. However, there are a few things that I have begun to notice that simply weren't in existence when I was still checking that "single" box on government forms.

And so, in no particular order, here are 5 Things Ruined By Marriage:

1. The capability to enjoy sleeping in bed alone.

Since getting hitched, I haven't exactly made it a secret how much of a struggle learning to sleep in a marital bed has been for me, but recently what has emerged as a brand new problem is sleeping in that same bed when it is no longer marital. Peter has now adopted my technique of picking up and taking the couch when the bedroom is too hot to bear and you need a new sleep location. The struggle is, I now cannot sleep without him next to me, and so find myself grabbing my pillow and blanket and camping out on the floor by the couch, creepily manipulating Peter's arm away from his body so I can hold his hand. Essentially, I now have no way of winning when it comes to sleeping at night. I either watch Peter sleep in bed (which is fantastic because he does the funniest things when he's sleeping. I want to film him but it's too dark, and I don't know if I'm ready for that level of creepiness yet), or sleep on the floor of our living room because I missed him and need him near me. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

2. Peace of mind in knowing I'm not THAT messy.

When you're living in a home with four other women, the never-ending supply of loose hair and hair-balls everywhere in the apartment (and seriously, I mean everywhere) is easily accounted for. Obviously, you have contributed to the mess of strands, but most of it was put there by others. Same thing goes for general mess in the communal living area. You can continue living your life with the knowledge that you are an essentially clean person, not ruining the lives of others with your hair or crumbs. When you're married you have no such luxury. Any hair that I find stuck to the wall, strangling Peter's Legos, or clinging to the bottom of our feet once belonged to me, and I alone am polluting our home with these overly attached pieces of reject body matter. It's enough to make anyone completely reevaluate their belief in themselves as basically decent humans.

3. Frivolous moments of monetary splurging.

Granted, I have never been one to binge shop or spend. I've always been pretty aware of what I need to survive and that there are certain needs that must be given priority and attention. That being said, I could pretty easily justify spending spare money on fast food, movies, e-books, beauty supplies etc. with very little buyers guilt to haunt me as I try to sleep at night. This is suddenly not true when you're aware that you have more than just your mouth to feed and that any monetary spending that you do will have a direct impact not just on you, but on your spouse as well. Sure I could survive on an eternal diet of Spam, rice, and Ramen as well as just skipping eatings if I need to, but CAN PETER?! The guilt alone of knowing you may be hurting your spouse and their future with any thing you spend at any time causes you to sincerely reconsider your needs and wants. Which perfectly segues me into my next luxury DESTROYED by my marriage.

4. Being the most important person in your world.

I don't think I am incredibly self-centered... but really, I am. We all are. What do you hear over and over when considering a difficult relationship with someone else? "First, look out for yourself. Is this good for you? Are you happy?" These questions are completely genuine and worthwhile; it is so important to make sure that your basic needs are met and that you are not stepping into emotionally self- mutilating territory. Yet now I find my own needs taking a back burner to Peter's. I have never cared about anyone's access to happiness as much as I do now. I want to find ways to make him happy and find ways to treat him. Your capability for guilt-free selfishness is wholly compromised when you're married. I still do have the ability to be the most important person in my world, and sometimes I am, but it no longer makes me feel very good. Luckily for me, my husband seems to feel the same way. Sometimes I find myself wishing we would fight more and have Realization of Personal Selfishness-Sessions less, because it doesn't feel very good at all when you're seeing how upset your husband is that he hasn't been able to provide for you the way he thinks he should. We both get embarrassingly weepy and snotty while whimpering in our strange baby talk voices,

"but, but, I just want YOU to be happy!"
"I AM happy!!! I want YOoOoOoU to be haaAAaaapee-eee *hiccups*"
"I am soo happy!"
"I want to make you happier!!"
"I want to make you even MORE happier!"

I could go on... but you really don't want me to.

5. Enjoying free time as an independent adult.

Separation anxiety is something most children overcome by the time they reach 6 to 7 years of age. I'm still waiting to find out at what age in marriage newly weds overcome the same thing. Even though I functioned perfectly fine in the two years that Peter was serving his mission in Japan, I now have a difficult time being physically estranged from my husband for more than a couple hours. At the end of each day we embrace like over emotional teenagers who think they're in love after the first week of high school, and if I wasn't so happy to see Peter I'd be incredibly grossed out and embarrassed by my behaviour.

If these things (The capability to enjoy sleeping in bed alone, peace of mind that you're not hideously messy, frivolous money splurges, being the most important person, and enjoying free time as an independent adult) matter to you a lot, ENJOY WHILE YOU CAN, BECAUSE THE MARRIAGE MONSTER IS COMING FOR THEIR SOULS. If not, then I guess you'll be fine, because beyond this, married life is pretty much the most fantastic thing since white bread.

It's you and me, Peege. Oh, and all these people lifting us up. 


  1. It is that easy. Either that, or Jake and I have been doing it wrong for years...

  2. As for the whole problem of wanting to sleep in a warmer environment than hubby - I wear more layers to bed than my hubby does and in the Winter I either put another blanket on my side of the bed or we have dual sided electric blanket controls and I can crank mine higher - hope that helps!

  3. It is that easy... as long as you marry smart. When you marry with a deliberate blind eye thinking, "He/She'll change," that's when you wake up to reality with bruises and/or a drained bank account and/or an unearned disease.