Sunday, December 7, 2014

Times in which I am enraged even though I have no right to be.

I originally drafted up this post the week of Thanksgiving, but then I thought it probably wouldn't be a good time for me to post about all the things in my life that I hate.

This isn't even necessarily an "I Hate Things" list, so much as it is a "Things that give me a disproportionate amount of rage when they really are small things" list. You can judge me. I totally understand.

1. Parents choosing to be illiterate when naming their children.

I have a strange obsession with names, this is no news to anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I am similar to adults who go through a traumatizing experience when they are young, then go on to be great ambassadors of change for others going through the same experiences. (See Elizabeth Smart and others.) I suffered through having an unusual name as a child, and now I use my (very limited power) to rant about bad baby name choices.
There seems to be this trend to slaughter common baby names beyond recognition in order to make the baby different from its peers. This bugs me much more than new, made up or unusual baby names, for the specific reason that you make your child look illiterate. Put yourself in the child's place: verbally, your name is exactly the same as many others, but then as soon as you try to spell it, you reveal your parents as adults who have never seen the English language written out.
Is this none of my business? Absolutely. Does it bother me? IT DRIVES ME INSANE.

2. Signs that stay up past their relevancy

Reading a flyer that tells me to "Come see the school play on October 14th!" when it is December, gives me an incredible amount of rage. Who in particular am I angered at? Surely not the sign, it is not its fault that it has been taped up and abandoned for months. Maybe the people who abandoned their signs. Even though I am sure that person has a job and a schedule and important things to do, removing their sign when the information it is offering is no longer pertinent apparently needs to be their #1 priority when asking the rage monsters in my brain.
Shockingly, this rage extends to decorations that stay up past their holiday. Forget your holiday cheer. Whether it be valentine's day, st. Patricks, halloween or christmas, as soon as that holiday is over, you better be taking down your celebrations.
Knowing this, one year my coworkers lovingly decided to decorate the entire Reading/Writing Center with paper hearts, jack-o-lanterns, shamrocks, flags, and christmas trees in order to try to coax me through this hatred through some sort of demented flooding therapy. Amazingly, they also managed to do all this within an hour, while I was in the center working on homework, and all without me realizing. When I got up from my computer, I rage-screamed and tried to tear everything down. It was traumatizing for everyone.

3. When apps aren't one defined colour, and other colour tragedies.

My apps on my phone and iPad need to be organized by colour. No other way makes sense to me. You think that app designers would realize that this organizing concept is the one true way, and thus all apps should be ONE COLOUR. Where am I supposed to place an app which is 5 colours at once? Tell me that, designers. Riddle me this terrible life decision of yours.
Recently my Heads Up app went from being blue to red, which was probably a smart marketing decision because now that app gets to be bumped up to one of the #1 slots, but having it change was a spark of immense anger in me. Who do you think you are, Ellen Degeneres?! Changing your colour on me! Geez.
Similarly, when colours of the rainbow are all present but not in their God given order, I blame the patriarchy for destroying America*. Where is the logic in having things going orange, green, yellow, red, purple, blue?! My heart rate is going up just considering it. I need to move on.

4. Click bait and Facebook like ifs.

Frequently I hold back likes on Facebook out of spite. I see a picture or a post that I enjoy and go to like it, then those fatal words hold me back, "like if you..." I don't care if that last word is "agree" "enjoy" or "love puppies" I am not your puppet and I will not like this! Disregard that moments ago I was ready and willing to use my mouse to tell you I enjoy your Facebooking, you are not my mother! You can not tell me what to do! Granted, if my mother were to post one of these things, I probably wouldn't like it either, because my rage at being told when and when not to like something is that unreasonable. Sorry, Mommifer. I hope you can potentially forgive me in the case this hypothetical situation occurs.
I also have a deep rooted hatred for click bait. "This happened and then YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT," "This post changed my life," "What happened in this video blew my mind," "You've gotta see to believe!"
Click bait leaves me feeling cynical and bitter. "I GUESS I WILL NEVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT" I yell as I forcefully scroll past, proving my point to no one but myself. "I bet I WOULD believe what happens next! Don't tell me what I wont believe!"

All these things indicate that I have not quite yet made it to maturity. Or perhaps they show that I'm mature beyond my years? Older people are more likely to be grumpy and particular. I'm probably just super mature. Be jealous.

Shortly after this picture was taken, a psychological break was manifested. 

*while I do, in fact blame the patriarchy for many things, incorrect colour order is not one of them, but rather this is a hyperbolic statement intended to bring amusement and laughter.

1 comment:

  1. I was surprised not to read "so and so did this! (Insert profession) hate him!" under the click bait portion