Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Boasting about how cool you are is hard.

Good news in my life is that I have submitted my graduate school applications! I applied to three different schools, as did Peter. Applying to the three almost killed me, and applying to six put a huge strain in our finances, so the fact that some people apply to 10 or so programs makes me want to weep for their souls.

For me, the hardest part about the application process is having to pitch yourself to those all powerful and all knowing admissions gods. You are given a different set of requirements and page limit for each program, and within those requirements and pages, you need to universally show that you are the best candidate for the school. (For every school). Forget the people who have a perfect 4.0 for their entire undergraduate career, or those who won special awards for services to the school for closing the Chamber of Secrets, I AM THE BEST PERSON FOR YOU TO CHOOSE!

Maybe that would be super easy if I was confident that I WAS the best person for every grad program ever, but in writing these essays I found myself struggling to find things about myself that would be appealing to my potential mentors. Sure, I have talents and awards, but will those things be influential in assessing my application?

Thus, here for you, are the outtakes from my graduate school applications.

- Pursuing a PhD. is something which requires dedication and passion, two characteristics which I have displayed from a young age. By the time I was 12 years old, I had committed the first three Harry Potter novels, by author J.K. Rowling, to memory. Through study and dedication, I will come to know my course materials as well as Vernon Dursley knows mustache care and drills.

- As anyone who has experienced a stressful situation may tell you, pressure can feel like hot fire burning through your skull. Similarly, consuming 50 jalapeño peppers provides a comparable sensation. Luckily, as a seasoned jalapeño eating contest winner, I will offer your program the cool-headed expertise of a hot-tongued champion no matter how stressful times may become.

- In the animal kingdom, establishing dominance over those who seek to overthrow the peace of a tribe is crucial to survival. While I may appear small and of no threat, my belches are famous among my friends and enemies as being large and formidable, and may subdue a foe if met in a battle.

- It takes more than just thorough academia to make a successful therapist. In addition to studies, an extensive fluency in popular culture can assist to build effective rapport with clients. I myself have developed such a fluency, through hours of scrupulous internet browsing and Netflix watching marathons.

- I can text really fast.

- Thanks to new internet technology which allows Facebook likes to help save young orphans, or to banish child abuse forever, online popularity can provide incredible resources to a program. With this information, I also disclose that one of my Facebook statuses achieved 90 likes in only one day. So, I could be pretty valuable.

- Lectures are often long and important to sit through. My bladder capacity is incredible. I can hold urine for hours, and thus will not miss any important instruction time for bathroom breaks.

I could go on, but I won't.
Am I a fool for omitting all of these incredible talents?! Perhaps. Regardless, now all that is left to do is spend the next 5 months regretting my life until I can receive any rejection or acceptance which may be coming my way.

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