Monday, May 26, 2014

Sometimes I'm really good at adulting.

There are many things that my childhood prepared me for in my adult life. I learned important skills and awareness of crucial situations that would someday appear in an attempt to foil me. Some of these things have been useful to me, but some have still failed to be relevant in my 22 years.

Trusting as I am of pop culture and children's television, these are situations I expect to emerge any day now:

1. Catching on fire.
Granted, fire is a scary thing, and definitely something to be prepared for, but "Stop, drop, and roll" was something that suggested to me at an early age that I would be combusting into flames on a regular basis. So far, I have had no need to drop and roll unless I'm hiding from someone and need to become a ninja instantly.

2. Going over a waterfall. 
Now that I'm writing this list I feel like a complete goose, because I'm sure that there's some people who have gone over a waterfall (AND caught on fire) and almost died in doing so, but cartoons suggested to me that I was always at danger of going over a life-threatening waterfall anytime that I stepped near water. I almost feel stripped of a rite of passage in that I have never panicked over an impending waterfall. I even live in Hawaii!

3. Detonating an explosive and dealing with dynamite.
In cartoons, everyone has dynamite. It's a fact. Through watching TV I learned many things that explosives could be used for and how to best put them out. Hint: Is is not effective to fan the light out, but it is effective to put under water. Well... sometimes. Also, if it's a bomb, cut the blue wire!

4. Strangers with delicious candy and/or razor blade candy. 
No stranger ever offered me candy, and I felt like an ugly child because of it. Every halloween I looked for razor blades and other surprises, but none ever showed.

There's also the tripping on banana peels, being knocked out cold for several minutes at a time, and crafting an emergency parachute midair to consider.
I also realized today that I have never fallen into my toilet. This wasn't something that childhood necessarily prepared me for, but something many adults warned me would be a large stumbling block in marriage. So far, no issues. I guess my eyes still work.

Something I wasn't prepared for in entering this married part of my life is how much panic the thought of pregnancy can stir in the heart of a young woman unready for motherhood. In retrospect, this shouldn't have been a surprise; I practised abstinence until Peter and I were married, yet every late period, unexpected craving, or swollen stomach would plant the thought


in my head. Even though there was literally no possible way for me to have contracted a baby, I would panic and stress that maybe I had, before remembering, "oh hey, that's not how babies are made!" Honestly, though, when you're a Christian you are taught that no one is safe from babies. If God wants you to have one, you will. *cough* babyJesus *cough.*

For now I'll just hope that it's God's will that I catch fire or meet a stranger with delicious candy, because I got those situations all sorts of covered. 


  1. You forgot quick sand. I totally expected that to be a bigger issue in my life than it turned out to be.

  2. Oh. My. GOSH. I have nightmares monthly about dying from hot lava! And I'm like "Shut up Lara... you don't even live near a volcano..." But apparently that doesn't matter. I have an irrational fear that every single mountain near me will explode and bury me in molten rocks.

    1. Also, prior marriage, having practice abstinence through and through, I was still certain I was pregnant. It was a nightmare that I'd get pregnant having been abstinent, and people would freak out.

    2. Lava! Another one! Quick sand and Lava were ones I always knew would come for me!

  3. Hahah i totally thought I was pregnant as a child too. Because my mother (in efforts to keep me from sitting on public toilets) told me that men's sperm stays and can make you pregnant hahahaha !

    1. Pregnancy is terrifying! As I was texting my friend the other night she said, "night night, don't let the sperm bite." I think that's a nice thing to wish on someone - that no sperm will bite them.

  4. Mommifer says: This is a good list! Thanks for sharing.